Dear Kitty,
I left for Dan's on Monday, after I packed all my stuff off with Cecily and Andrew. He picked me up from Watford Junction that evening, and we got a taxi back to his. He read me some King Arthur that night, and it was nice to be there - getting back into bed next to him that night was so comforting and relaxing.
Well, I say 'relaxing'. I had a nightmare that night (and Tuesday and Wednesday too) and woke up shouting while he shook me. Apparently I really didn't want to be held that night and was wriggling around. I woke up really tense and scared the next morning, but we had a lie-in before he took me out for a picnic down by the river. It was a long and really pretty walk to get there, and there were two absolutely adorable Cocker spaniels that came and bothered us for a bit. They stole my socks and my shoe (I took them off to go paddling in the river)! The owner - an Irish man and his son/grandson who was about five - was very friendly, and watching him play with the little boy reminded me of Etienne a lot. Even Dan thought it was sweet, and they really were. We went out to the pub with his friend Tim that evening, which was nice because there was a quiz happening, and Tim's always good fun anyway. I was annoyed on the way back, though, after Dan cancelled our plans in London the next day so we could meet up with his friend Chris. I didn't say anything about it, but I think he realised that was why I was upset, and rearranged things so that we met up with him at the same time as the others. It was sweet of him to do that, but he really didn't have to.
On Wednesday morning, we woke up at half past eight and got the Tube into London to spend the morning in Harrods (!!). It was great fun, actually, in spite of everything being insanely expensive. He did let me have a look at the Givenchy clothes, though, because he knows how interested I am in fashion. We walked through Hyde Park afterwards, and met Charlotte, Freya, Chris and Benedict at Marble Arch. It was fantastic to see my girls again - I've missed them so much! We all spent the afternoon in a Wetherspoons and got quite drunk, so we all went to Freya's halls afterwards. We were going to go on a night out, but I was sad and Dan decided to take me home instead.
The Tube journey was horrible. Dan confessed he wasn't sure if we were going to make it through my year abroad, because he gets so scared when we're apart for long periods of time (he was quite drunk). Then, after he'd had a little cry and I tried not to, he said he never knew how to feel when I was sad - either he's sad too, or he's just numb. I didn't have an answer to that, which annoyed him and just made me more angry at myself. When we finally got back to Croxley, he ended up sitting me down on a bench and calming me down by telling me things about growing up there and his grandparents and how school had been for him. He cried about his grandparents a little afterwards, and then walked me back. I got into bed, and he held me while he tried to get me to tell him what was up. It was basically a massive confusion of things, like stuff that's happening with a friend and me not being able to tell them to fuck off, PMS, and all the little things that have been making me furious with myself recently. Of course, the main issue was that I couldn't deal with it the way I usually do (self-harm) because I was staying with him. He listened, and then said he didn't know what he could do about it except to hold me when I need it. I'm not expecting a solution from him, anyway. Then we just ended up talking for hours and hours while we cuddled, and I cried on him a really tiny bit while he stroked my hair. He asked me why I hated myself so much, and why I can't believe compliments I get from people. I said that it was because I can't believe that there's anything positive to say about me usually, or, if I have done something good, it's usually not that impressive anyway. I said that when I get depressed, everything gets on top of me and it just feels like everything bad that happens is because of me or is just because I am such a fucking useless idiot. Dan thinks this is arrogance, in a strange way, but it isn't.
On Thursday, we woke up very late, and then made out for a bit after his mum went out. We made lunch, and then had been going to game but ended up going back to bed instead (which was fun - I tied his hands up and drove him mad, and then he did the same to me to get his own back). That evening, we made tea and then watched Donnie Darko and half of American Beauty. We watched most of the rest of American Beauty this morning, but then we got distracted and ended up making out until I had to leave. I was incredibly sad on the train, but I've organised stuff with Mum since I got back. He's hopefully coming next weekend, and then also when Mum goes to India - she's gone from the 28th to the 7th, so Dan will hopefully be here from the 30th to whenever I go back to Manchester. It'll be weird next time he comes - we won't be able to be in the same room! Although it's already strange coming back to Norwich and realising that he doesn't live here any more.
I've also discovered that things like me wearing cute socks and pants (as in like childish things) turns him on slightly. I'm fine with this, oddly - it's another good reason for me to start dressing Lolita! Am I strange? Probably. Also him being forceful in the bedroom is the sexiest thing ever - just things like him pushing me against walls and kissing me hard or pinning me down on the bed really turn me on. Having a semi-sex life is exciting, and I'm much more relaxed these days.
Yours,
Chessie
I left for Dan's on Monday, after I packed all my stuff off with Cecily and Andrew. He picked me up from Watford Junction that evening, and we got a taxi back to his. He read me some King Arthur that night, and it was nice to be there - getting back into bed next to him that night was so comforting and relaxing.
Well, I say 'relaxing'. I had a nightmare that night (and Tuesday and Wednesday too) and woke up shouting while he shook me. Apparently I really didn't want to be held that night and was wriggling around. I woke up really tense and scared the next morning, but we had a lie-in before he took me out for a picnic down by the river. It was a long and really pretty walk to get there, and there were two absolutely adorable Cocker spaniels that came and bothered us for a bit. They stole my socks and my shoe (I took them off to go paddling in the river)! The owner - an Irish man and his son/grandson who was about five - was very friendly, and watching him play with the little boy reminded me of Etienne a lot. Even Dan thought it was sweet, and they really were. We went out to the pub with his friend Tim that evening, which was nice because there was a quiz happening, and Tim's always good fun anyway. I was annoyed on the way back, though, after Dan cancelled our plans in London the next day so we could meet up with his friend Chris. I didn't say anything about it, but I think he realised that was why I was upset, and rearranged things so that we met up with him at the same time as the others. It was sweet of him to do that, but he really didn't have to.
On Wednesday morning, we woke up at half past eight and got the Tube into London to spend the morning in Harrods (!!). It was great fun, actually, in spite of everything being insanely expensive. He did let me have a look at the Givenchy clothes, though, because he knows how interested I am in fashion. We walked through Hyde Park afterwards, and met Charlotte, Freya, Chris and Benedict at Marble Arch. It was fantastic to see my girls again - I've missed them so much! We all spent the afternoon in a Wetherspoons and got quite drunk, so we all went to Freya's halls afterwards. We were going to go on a night out, but I was sad and Dan decided to take me home instead.
The Tube journey was horrible. Dan confessed he wasn't sure if we were going to make it through my year abroad, because he gets so scared when we're apart for long periods of time (he was quite drunk). Then, after he'd had a little cry and I tried not to, he said he never knew how to feel when I was sad - either he's sad too, or he's just numb. I didn't have an answer to that, which annoyed him and just made me more angry at myself. When we finally got back to Croxley, he ended up sitting me down on a bench and calming me down by telling me things about growing up there and his grandparents and how school had been for him. He cried about his grandparents a little afterwards, and then walked me back. I got into bed, and he held me while he tried to get me to tell him what was up. It was basically a massive confusion of things, like stuff that's happening with a friend and me not being able to tell them to fuck off, PMS, and all the little things that have been making me furious with myself recently. Of course, the main issue was that I couldn't deal with it the way I usually do (self-harm) because I was staying with him. He listened, and then said he didn't know what he could do about it except to hold me when I need it. I'm not expecting a solution from him, anyway. Then we just ended up talking for hours and hours while we cuddled, and I cried on him a really tiny bit while he stroked my hair. He asked me why I hated myself so much, and why I can't believe compliments I get from people. I said that it was because I can't believe that there's anything positive to say about me usually, or, if I have done something good, it's usually not that impressive anyway. I said that when I get depressed, everything gets on top of me and it just feels like everything bad that happens is because of me or is just because I am such a fucking useless idiot. Dan thinks this is arrogance, in a strange way, but it isn't.
On Thursday, we woke up very late, and then made out for a bit after his mum went out. We made lunch, and then had been going to game but ended up going back to bed instead (which was fun - I tied his hands up and drove him mad, and then he did the same to me to get his own back). That evening, we made tea and then watched Donnie Darko and half of American Beauty. We watched most of the rest of American Beauty this morning, but then we got distracted and ended up making out until I had to leave. I was incredibly sad on the train, but I've organised stuff with Mum since I got back. He's hopefully coming next weekend, and then also when Mum goes to India - she's gone from the 28th to the 7th, so Dan will hopefully be here from the 30th to whenever I go back to Manchester. It'll be weird next time he comes - we won't be able to be in the same room! Although it's already strange coming back to Norwich and realising that he doesn't live here any more.
I've also discovered that things like me wearing cute socks and pants (as in like childish things) turns him on slightly. I'm fine with this, oddly - it's another good reason for me to start dressing Lolita! Am I strange? Probably. Also him being forceful in the bedroom is the sexiest thing ever - just things like him pushing me against walls and kissing me hard or pinning me down on the bed really turn me on. Having a semi-sex life is exciting, and I'm much more relaxed these days.
Yours,
Chessie
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