Dear Kitty,
I'm having a few problems with my 'life plan'. I decided, when I was fourteen, that I was going to wait until I was married to have sex. When I was sixteen, I decided that I wanted to get married when I was twenty four, and have children when I was twenty six. These have been my guidelines for years.
And suddenly I'm questioning them. I'd still like to get married relatively 'young' (for modern times), but I'm not sure I want to become a parent so early. I do want children, I really do; right now, though, I think I'd rather get my career set up first, and do all the things I want to do without having to worry about someone else. I still want to carry on with my plan of where I'm going to live (England, Japan, England, China, New York), but there are so many places I want to live after that and I don't want to have to worry about taking children with me. I mean, I'm not sure I even want to have to worry about a boyfriend for all of that, unless he'd come with me. This does not mean I want to lose Dan, because I don't, at all. We did talk about distance and if we're still together when I'm in Japan etc - oh, actually:
Side point: Dan was going to go to the Hague for his post-grad before I met him. And now he's decided not to, because he doesn't want to be even more long-distance than we already are. Which is terribly romantic and sweet - but I don't want to be taking that away from him. I've been trying to convince him to go anyway, but he is even more stubborn than I am and simply refuses. He's a grown man - I suppose that if he's made up his mind, then that's his decision.
Carrying on: My worry is that, if Dan and I do stay together that long, then I'm going to have to compromise something. Sure, relationships involve a certain amount of compromise, but I really REALLY want to take that job in China. I can't wait to move to America, and I don't want to let something get in the way. I suppose that'll all sort itself out in time, though.
And now for the other part: abstinence. I have refused to have sex with anyone I've been out with/got with, but now, I'm almost nineteen. I won't be a teenager much longer, and I feel like sex is something I should be doing. It's never really been entirely for biblical reasons - sure, that's become a bigger part of it recently, but it's also because I simply don't want to have sex with anyone I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with. Dan and I were talking about this in bed on Friday night, and I realised that one of the reasons I don't want to is because I am terrified.
The idea of anyone knowing me that well, that completely, scares the hell out of me. I've got really close to people before - emotionally and physically - and look what's happened there. I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up again and then be left feeling so completely and utterly hopeless and alone. I can't stand the thought of anyone knowing me that well and still having the possibility of leaving me and being able to use everything against me.
I do want to be doing it, but there are so many reasons I don't that I'm very confused, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't imagine not losing my virginity on my wedding night now, but I really sort of want to before. It's odd - very odd.
The fact that Dan knows exactly what he's doing doesn't help much either. I have little bruises all up my neck, and they make me smile when I touch them.
Yours,
Chessie
I'm having a few problems with my 'life plan'. I decided, when I was fourteen, that I was going to wait until I was married to have sex. When I was sixteen, I decided that I wanted to get married when I was twenty four, and have children when I was twenty six. These have been my guidelines for years.
And suddenly I'm questioning them. I'd still like to get married relatively 'young' (for modern times), but I'm not sure I want to become a parent so early. I do want children, I really do; right now, though, I think I'd rather get my career set up first, and do all the things I want to do without having to worry about someone else. I still want to carry on with my plan of where I'm going to live (England, Japan, England, China, New York), but there are so many places I want to live after that and I don't want to have to worry about taking children with me. I mean, I'm not sure I even want to have to worry about a boyfriend for all of that, unless he'd come with me. This does not mean I want to lose Dan, because I don't, at all. We did talk about distance and if we're still together when I'm in Japan etc - oh, actually:
Side point: Dan was going to go to the Hague for his post-grad before I met him. And now he's decided not to, because he doesn't want to be even more long-distance than we already are. Which is terribly romantic and sweet - but I don't want to be taking that away from him. I've been trying to convince him to go anyway, but he is even more stubborn than I am and simply refuses. He's a grown man - I suppose that if he's made up his mind, then that's his decision.
Carrying on: My worry is that, if Dan and I do stay together that long, then I'm going to have to compromise something. Sure, relationships involve a certain amount of compromise, but I really REALLY want to take that job in China. I can't wait to move to America, and I don't want to let something get in the way. I suppose that'll all sort itself out in time, though.
And now for the other part: abstinence. I have refused to have sex with anyone I've been out with/got with, but now, I'm almost nineteen. I won't be a teenager much longer, and I feel like sex is something I should be doing. It's never really been entirely for biblical reasons - sure, that's become a bigger part of it recently, but it's also because I simply don't want to have sex with anyone I'm not going to spend the rest of my life with. Dan and I were talking about this in bed on Friday night, and I realised that one of the reasons I don't want to is because I am terrified.
The idea of anyone knowing me that well, that completely, scares the hell out of me. I've got really close to people before - emotionally and physically - and look what's happened there. I mean, I don't want to get my hopes up again and then be left feeling so completely and utterly hopeless and alone. I can't stand the thought of anyone knowing me that well and still having the possibility of leaving me and being able to use everything against me.
I do want to be doing it, but there are so many reasons I don't that I'm very confused, and I'm not sure what to do. I can't imagine not losing my virginity on my wedding night now, but I really sort of want to before. It's odd - very odd.
The fact that Dan knows exactly what he's doing doesn't help much either. I have little bruises all up my neck, and they make me smile when I touch them.
Yours,
Chessie
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