Dear Kitty,
I have so much to tell you! I'll go back to Saturday to start with.
Saturday: Candi (woman in choir) threw a party at her house to get us all in the Christmas spirit, and invited the whole choir. I went to Emma's (choir again) and got a lift with her (which was very kind of her and her husband), along with Will (choir). We arrived at around five, and Will and I were immediately told to first have a glass of mulled wine, and then to help decorate the tree. (Oh, the curses of being young!) We did, and it was all marvellous fun - especially since Candi has a seventeen year old daughter, who is also 1) studying Japanes and 2) insane. I spent most of the evening with her, and we get on really well now. The whole evening was just a general blast.
Sunday: we did our ordinary Sunday service at St. George's, and then left quickly - to go to Caen! The car journey up there was epic - Candi and Emma drove, and Katie, Will and I sat in the back and were childish. First, we sang all the carols we knew, and then I got out my DS to read, so Will decided that we all had to do a Shakespeare play. This would have been fine, had there been more than three available people (Emma was asleep) to read the parts. Much hilarity ensued, and then I got my knitting out, and we watched Romeo and Juliet until we got to the restaurant for lunch. The rest of the journey was basically the same, and I had a great time. When we got to the church, some nice people had made us all cups of tea and given us oranges and biscuits, and then we rehearsed. The music was brilliant; all Christmassy and choral and harmonised and - oh, pure joy! Peter asked me if I wanted to do the solo for 'Once In Royal' at the end of the rehearsal, and I jumped at the chance. Apparently the youngest person has to do it every year - and I am entirely happy in being treated as the youngest by the rest of the choir, because they're all so lovely! They're a bit like my third family, and I adore them. The service went very well (I brought the choir to tears with my solos, apparently) and then we had a party afterwards. When we finally got going on the way home (Will lost his jacket and then found it in the manger in the Nativity display), Will immediately fell asleep on me, and we listened to Tchaikovsky for an hour, until he woke up and we put on the Beach Boys instead. We sang along to all the Beach Boys and Beatles songs we knew, and then we did Phil Collins as well - the song from the Cadbury's Gorilla advert - and the drum bit came on JUST as we drove into Paris, and the Eiffel Tower and all the lights loomed out of nowhere and - magic! We must have looked like complete prats though, all of us playing air-drums in the back of the car.
Monday: I flew home, and had my first taste of England in months. Also I spent an hour in Starbucks because it was the warmest place in the station - and the guy from Costa asked me for my number (so much coffee!) so I gave it to him wrong and told him I was called Julia. It was freezing all day, but seeing Mum made it so worth it.
Tuesday: happy birthday to me! I opened my present from Fenny and Pop because they were leaving for Nepal later, and inside? The most lovely watch and necklace set! I went into Norwich after that to collect Nick and do some shopping. When we (Nick and I) got back, after spending an hour waiting for the bus and getting very very cold, Freya and Charlotte were just arriving! It was so good to see them again! The next to arrive was Katie, who I met when I was going to collect Alex from the bus stop. Steph was the last to join our number, and then I got to open my presents. The first thing I opened was my Christmas present from Freya - a whoopie pie recipe book! As well as that, I got two 'Not The Nine 'O' Clock News' DVDs from Nick, a kimono (!) from Charlotte and Freya, a bracelet from Alex, a scarf and beautiful headband from Steph - and a quill and inkwell from Katie! I felt very spoiled indeed. We had tea after that - and then we started drinking properly. I must have had two things of cider, and two double vodka cocktails - and, oh, how ill I felt afterwards. We played 'Never Have I Ever', which is when I think things got bad for me. Freya and I were probably the most drunk - she ran down the road at one point, and I spent an hour and a half in the bathroom, panicking that I was going to be sick. I wasn't, thankfully - and I am very grateful to Charlotte for sitting there with me while I ranted at her and told her lots of things I shouldn't have ever told anyone (as well as Freya). Also it turns out that Charlotte reads this - I'm surprised, but hey. It's online - I could never keep it a secret forever. We went to bed at around three, and I fell asleep holding Alex's hand.
Wednesday: we spent the morning watching 'Love Actually' and being lazy. Nick missed his train, but got on another one later. The girls all left at around three, and then it was just Alex and I...
This is where it goes wrong - but what can one expect after four days of glory?
I finished cleaning, and then sat down with Alex on the sofa, when he said 'I hate how I can never see you, and it makes me miss you'. And we talked for an hour and a half about this - and basically, he wanted to break up because of distance. I did not cry in front of him, even when he put his arms around me before we actually decided. He was so warm and comfortable and - I love him. Which is why I hate it. Just afterwards, I ran upstairs and rang Katie, and I couldn't speak for the first ten seconds because I was crying too much. So I'm going to hers on Monday - whatever would I do without my sisters?
I came back downstairs to find Alex checking trains and putting his shoes on. He couldn't leave tonight (1 - I insisted, and 2 - he couldn't get a train anyway), but I haven't been able to look at him properly since. It feels so sickening and horrible - I want to go back to this morning when we were holding hands and I was lying on him and I had my new bracelet on and - ugh. I hate myself, I really do - for trying to keep him in a relationship he didn't feel happy or comfortable in, no matter how much he liked me. I feel so dreadful about it all and, even though he's in just the next room, I miss him. I want him back. I want my Alex who I spent a week living with over the summer. And yet, even though I want that, I know we can't have it again because, as he said, we won't ever be in the same place or together at the same uni or anything, so it just wouldn't work.
So now I am in bed and singing that crap song 'Smile Though Your Heart Is Breaking' and considering buying myself a cocktail tomorrow in a bar somewhere - 1) because I can, and 2) because I want to. Sod 'I am never going to drink again' - right now, I just want to drown my sorrows in something strong, fizzy and sweet, and then be picked up by a hot - no, not that. I just want Alex.
I hate this. I feel empty and hollow and I don't know what to do. All traces of Christmas have now left my system. At least it's totally wiped out my appetite.
I want Alex back.
Yours,
Francesca
I have so much to tell you! I'll go back to Saturday to start with.
Saturday: Candi (woman in choir) threw a party at her house to get us all in the Christmas spirit, and invited the whole choir. I went to Emma's (choir again) and got a lift with her (which was very kind of her and her husband), along with Will (choir). We arrived at around five, and Will and I were immediately told to first have a glass of mulled wine, and then to help decorate the tree. (Oh, the curses of being young!) We did, and it was all marvellous fun - especially since Candi has a seventeen year old daughter, who is also 1) studying Japanes and 2) insane. I spent most of the evening with her, and we get on really well now. The whole evening was just a general blast.
Sunday: we did our ordinary Sunday service at St. George's, and then left quickly - to go to Caen! The car journey up there was epic - Candi and Emma drove, and Katie, Will and I sat in the back and were childish. First, we sang all the carols we knew, and then I got out my DS to read, so Will decided that we all had to do a Shakespeare play. This would have been fine, had there been more than three available people (Emma was asleep) to read the parts. Much hilarity ensued, and then I got my knitting out, and we watched Romeo and Juliet until we got to the restaurant for lunch. The rest of the journey was basically the same, and I had a great time. When we got to the church, some nice people had made us all cups of tea and given us oranges and biscuits, and then we rehearsed. The music was brilliant; all Christmassy and choral and harmonised and - oh, pure joy! Peter asked me if I wanted to do the solo for 'Once In Royal' at the end of the rehearsal, and I jumped at the chance. Apparently the youngest person has to do it every year - and I am entirely happy in being treated as the youngest by the rest of the choir, because they're all so lovely! They're a bit like my third family, and I adore them. The service went very well (I brought the choir to tears with my solos, apparently) and then we had a party afterwards. When we finally got going on the way home (Will lost his jacket and then found it in the manger in the Nativity display), Will immediately fell asleep on me, and we listened to Tchaikovsky for an hour, until he woke up and we put on the Beach Boys instead. We sang along to all the Beach Boys and Beatles songs we knew, and then we did Phil Collins as well - the song from the Cadbury's Gorilla advert - and the drum bit came on JUST as we drove into Paris, and the Eiffel Tower and all the lights loomed out of nowhere and - magic! We must have looked like complete prats though, all of us playing air-drums in the back of the car.
Monday: I flew home, and had my first taste of England in months. Also I spent an hour in Starbucks because it was the warmest place in the station - and the guy from Costa asked me for my number (so much coffee!) so I gave it to him wrong and told him I was called Julia. It was freezing all day, but seeing Mum made it so worth it.
Tuesday: happy birthday to me! I opened my present from Fenny and Pop because they were leaving for Nepal later, and inside? The most lovely watch and necklace set! I went into Norwich after that to collect Nick and do some shopping. When we (Nick and I) got back, after spending an hour waiting for the bus and getting very very cold, Freya and Charlotte were just arriving! It was so good to see them again! The next to arrive was Katie, who I met when I was going to collect Alex from the bus stop. Steph was the last to join our number, and then I got to open my presents. The first thing I opened was my Christmas present from Freya - a whoopie pie recipe book! As well as that, I got two 'Not The Nine 'O' Clock News' DVDs from Nick, a kimono (!) from Charlotte and Freya, a bracelet from Alex, a scarf and beautiful headband from Steph - and a quill and inkwell from Katie! I felt very spoiled indeed. We had tea after that - and then we started drinking properly. I must have had two things of cider, and two double vodka cocktails - and, oh, how ill I felt afterwards. We played 'Never Have I Ever', which is when I think things got bad for me. Freya and I were probably the most drunk - she ran down the road at one point, and I spent an hour and a half in the bathroom, panicking that I was going to be sick. I wasn't, thankfully - and I am very grateful to Charlotte for sitting there with me while I ranted at her and told her lots of things I shouldn't have ever told anyone (as well as Freya). Also it turns out that Charlotte reads this - I'm surprised, but hey. It's online - I could never keep it a secret forever. We went to bed at around three, and I fell asleep holding Alex's hand.
Wednesday: we spent the morning watching 'Love Actually' and being lazy. Nick missed his train, but got on another one later. The girls all left at around three, and then it was just Alex and I...
This is where it goes wrong - but what can one expect after four days of glory?
I finished cleaning, and then sat down with Alex on the sofa, when he said 'I hate how I can never see you, and it makes me miss you'. And we talked for an hour and a half about this - and basically, he wanted to break up because of distance. I did not cry in front of him, even when he put his arms around me before we actually decided. He was so warm and comfortable and - I love him. Which is why I hate it. Just afterwards, I ran upstairs and rang Katie, and I couldn't speak for the first ten seconds because I was crying too much. So I'm going to hers on Monday - whatever would I do without my sisters?
I came back downstairs to find Alex checking trains and putting his shoes on. He couldn't leave tonight (1 - I insisted, and 2 - he couldn't get a train anyway), but I haven't been able to look at him properly since. It feels so sickening and horrible - I want to go back to this morning when we were holding hands and I was lying on him and I had my new bracelet on and - ugh. I hate myself, I really do - for trying to keep him in a relationship he didn't feel happy or comfortable in, no matter how much he liked me. I feel so dreadful about it all and, even though he's in just the next room, I miss him. I want him back. I want my Alex who I spent a week living with over the summer. And yet, even though I want that, I know we can't have it again because, as he said, we won't ever be in the same place or together at the same uni or anything, so it just wouldn't work.
So now I am in bed and singing that crap song 'Smile Though Your Heart Is Breaking' and considering buying myself a cocktail tomorrow in a bar somewhere - 1) because I can, and 2) because I want to. Sod 'I am never going to drink again' - right now, I just want to drown my sorrows in something strong, fizzy and sweet, and then be picked up by a hot - no, not that. I just want Alex.
I hate this. I feel empty and hollow and I don't know what to do. All traces of Christmas have now left my system. At least it's totally wiped out my appetite.
I want Alex back.
Yours,
Francesca
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