Dear Kitty,              I'm sorry; this optimism thing doesn't suit me. It was stupid and pointless for me even to try, even stupider for me to think I could keep it up. I can't keep anything up; as Hector has told me before, I can't persevere with anything. I don't even know why I try any more.              He was right; everything he said was right. I'm a bitch, I'm weak, I'm horrible, I'm a user, I'm conceited, I'm fickle, I'm selfish. I've proven all of these things with everything I've ever written in here. And it's all my fault. Hector's upset. Fraser gets upset. Everyone I know gets upset and I'm completely powerless to help them because I'm always so wrapped up in my own little world. I try to be good, and I try to be kind, and I try to be a good Christian, and I try to be generous and as nice as possible, but it doesn't work. It was pointless to ever think that that things could get better, or that things could finally go right for a change. They go right, things get better, and then you have even further to fall when they go wrong again.              I want to help people so much. I really do want them to be happy, but I can't do it because I always let something else get in the way and I can never help them properly, no matter how much I try. I do nothing but upset people further, or I frustrate them. I just want to help, but I don't know how, and...oh, dear Kitty, I just can't seem to handle it any more. Every blog entry is the same; it's always me and my stupid problems that don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop doing this to you, I really will.             Even so, I've tried and tried to hold off from 'it', and now I just can't. I can't do anything else, and I know that I deserve every little ounce of pain that I get from it.             I don't sound like myself today, and that's because I'm not. That makes no sense when you read it, but I'm just not me at all. I'm probably just being stupid, over-tired and melodramatic, but I really needed to get all this out. Yet again, Kitty, you have become my sponge, and for that, thank you. Two words which mean so little, but I can't think of anything else to say.I'll write again soon, hopefully being happier. I hope.Yours,       Francesca