Dear Kitty,              I'm sorry; this optimism thing doesn't suit me. It was stupid and pointless for me even to try, even stupider for me to think I could keep it up. I can't keep anything up; as Hector has told me before, I can't persevere with anything. I don't even know why I try any more.              He was right; everything he said was right. I'm a bitch, I'm weak, I'm horrible, I'm a user, I'm conceited, I'm fickle, I'm selfish. I've proven all of these things with everything I've ever written in here. And it's all my fault. Hector's upset. Fraser gets upset. Everyone I know gets upset and I'm completely powerless to help them because I'm always so wrapped up in my own little world. I try to be good, and I try to be kind, and I try to be a good Christian, and I try to be generous and as nice as possible, but it doesn't work. It was pointless to ever think that that things could get better, or that things could finally go right for a change. They go right, things get better, and then you have even further to fall when they go wrong again.              I want to help people so much. I really do want them to be happy, but I can't do it because I always let something else get in the way and I can never help them properly, no matter how much I try. I do nothing but upset people further, or I frustrate them. I just want to help, but I don't know how, and...oh, dear Kitty, I just can't seem to handle it any more. Every blog entry is the same; it's always me and my stupid problems that don't matter at all in the grand scheme of things. I'm sorry. I'll try to stop doing this to you, I really will.             Even so, I've tried and tried to hold off from 'it', and now I just can't. I can't do anything else, and I know that I deserve every little ounce of pain that I get from it.             I don't sound like myself today, and that's because I'm not. That makes no sense when you read it, but I'm just not me at all. I'm probably just being stupid, over-tired and melodramatic, but I really needed to get all this out. Yet again, Kitty, you have become my sponge, and for that, thank you. Two words which mean so little, but I can't think of anything else to say.I'll write again soon, hopefully being happier. I hope.Yours,       Francesca

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

now listen here fran and u\'d better listen good! no one, and i mean no one, should make you feel they way you are feeling. and dont start thinkin its not THEIR fault but yours cos it isnt. like tom i am furious that you feel this way cos of him. how can u honestly think that any of what he said? any thing uve been thinkin is true? if it wernt for u and my other best friends i wudnt be in oundle now, i would of left. i dont know how i can help you but i want to so much. you say you want to help people, but im afraid you need to help yourself before you can EVEN THINK in helping someone else. you have been so kind to me and to so many people fran and i hope one day you\'ll realise that you should feel what u are feeling cos ther is no utter way this is your fault at all. what has he done to you! you may feel he has done nothing but oh boy i am mad right now, how dare he do this to one of my friends!!! ahhhhhhhh
i hope that makes sense. i need to think..
i love u fran. so sos so much.
your smoo!
xxxx
deleted_user
deleted_user

*shouldnt! not should in line..errr..10..ish