confused
Well I made it through the first birthday without my darling Brandon, first of many I imagine. I took the day off, as I will every year from now on. I was going to go visit his grave..........I showered, had plans of stopping at the florist for a single red rose for his grave. Then bam it hit me...................It's like I was frozen with fear.......I could hardly move, and I was certainly in no shape to drive to his grave............
It was almost like I was telling myself, If I don't go, then it isn't true. I think I've been doing this all along. Friday will be 8 months since he's been gone. If I don't see a piece of cement with his birth and death and photo..........then IT ISN'T TRUE.........
I know it doesn't make much sense.............but I couldn't bring myself to even go there..........to stand 'over' him. I don't know when I'll be able to do that..........if ever.... (just the thought of him inside the grave....omg I cant)
Anyone else gone through this?
The fear, the 'you'll have to face it then' in your face.
I did however get a tattoo..........with his name. I wanted to do 'something' for him.
Sometimes I just feel so helpless and dream all the time that it isn't true.
It was almost like I was telling myself, If I don't go, then it isn't true. I think I've been doing this all along. Friday will be 8 months since he's been gone. If I don't see a piece of cement with his birth and death and photo..........then IT ISN'T TRUE.........
I know it doesn't make much sense.............but I couldn't bring myself to even go there..........to stand 'over' him. I don't know when I'll be able to do that..........if ever.... (just the thought of him inside the grave....omg I cant)
Anyone else gone through this?
The fear, the 'you'll have to face it then' in your face.
I did however get a tattoo..........with his name. I wanted to do 'something' for him.
Sometimes I just feel so helpless and dream all the time that it isn't true.
Replies
Yes, I totally understand this May 5th will be three years for my lovely ShellBell...(Michele) and I wish someone would wake me up from this worrible DREAM it can not be true...even now!!! And I to got a tattoo the first and second years not sure about this year.....I try not to think that it is soon gonna be another year...try to have a relaxing day and remember all the good times with Brandon today..I wish I could hug you right now but know that I am thinking of you and Brandon right now...xxoo
Thank you Gretcho! I also want to thank everyone that send me a note that day.......... what a loving family!!!!!
I am so sorry, My thoughts and prayers are with you. There are no words for times like these if ever. I think about what it will be like when the time comes for my Marissa\'s birthday, which too will be right at 8 months of her being gone. The days now are so unbearable. Birthday wishes to Brandon and wishes of peace to you XOXO
Oh you are so very not alone!!! I did not, could not and have not had a service for Jason and as of January 25th it\'s been two years. Just the thought of a memorial, celebration or whatever you want to call it sends me right through the roof with panic, fear and I am frozen.
I have however purchased a multi family grave in a really nice and historic cemetery locally. I have also designed and had made the grave markers.
And then there\'s my two tattoos. Never had any desire to have one before Jason died. Since then, I\'ve got two now. One my daughter and I have matching and it\'s got my initials, Jason\'s and Chase\'s (my daughter). The other one is really cool with a hummingbird, butterfly, musicial notes and the medallion with the identifying numbers from Jason\'s cremation.
Good news, you made it through Brandons birthday. Yes, there will be more. Yes, you will make it through, some way, some how.
Gentle hugs, remember to breathe...
Merrilee
On my dear. You are normal. We all cope in our own way. Please do not feel bad that you were not able to go to the cemetery. You honored Brandon in your own way. Birthdays and angel days are tough. There are no right or wrong ways to honor our beloved children.
As Merrilee said, Breathe.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I still have a hard time going to Billy\'s grave. I make myself go twice a year...his birthday and Angel Day and it will be nine years in May. It took me many years to even go to the cemetery. The way I look at it is...it is only his body buried there, his essence/soul is with me everywhere every day - I carry Billy in my heart and mind forever. You will go when you are ready and if that is never...that is fine. Hugs, ann
I am so sorry for the crap you are going through. I, too, despite being anti-tattoo in the past, got a tattoo on my wrist with Jackson\'s initials in the first year after his death. My daughter and I went to the tattoo parlor together and each had his initials tattooed. I do my best to stay completely busy throughout the day with work or background noise so I don\'t think about him being gone. When I do, I can\'t bear it. Do whatever you need to get through the day. Hugs, Laura
Hi Lisa, Yes I have been there and in a lot of ways I still am. It is amazing how the when you think you have a handle on all of this it comes up and knocks you to your knees. It has been three years now and although I have designed a tattoo I still haven\'t been able to get it, there are a lot of things that I have not been able to do yet. But when the time is right I will be able to. I honestly hope that this is not taken the wrong way but could it be that Brandon was trying to tell you that he would rather that you stayed at home where you are warm and safe and surrounded by happy memories of his life then to go out to the graveside? I try to think if our positions were swapped would I want Wes doing and feeling the things that I am? Please go easy on yourself and do what ever you can to keep your brain busy, reading, TV, or whatever it takes so that you can try and get even a small respite along this journey, big hugs....Kathy
I don\'t go to Alex\'s grave often...I do not think of him there...I think of him surrounding me. There is just a thin veil between us and our children. What you experienced is normal...we all process this nightmare differently. You will go whenever you are ready. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
I think we just need to do whatever we have to do to survive this. I don\'t believe there is a wrong way. We are an active duty military family. Our son went back home for college and that is where we lost him. Neither of us could bear to leave him there and return to my husband\'s duty station so we chose cremation and brought our baby home with us one last time. Be kind to yourself. Love and hugs, Paula
What you experienced is the new normal that is spoken of. Often I think I\'ll be able to do something and then simply cannot. Each year has felt different for me because I\'m changing so I try not to make too many plans for those tender days and just allow them to evolve. I know that others find comfort in the planning so once again it is all about what is ok for you in the moment.
Understanding the depth of sorrow and what a long road this is back to ourselves.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Yes, what you wrote could have been written by me. Jennifer was cremated, and I couldn\'t go \"pick her up\" because that would mean she wouldn\'t be calling me, I wouldn\'t be seeing her - it would mean she was really gone.....When I saw her name @ the cemetery, I lost it....but still in disbelief - that name belongs to someone else - NOT MY DAUGHTER.....I so understand. 18 months later - there are still days, I want to call her, or I will think, \"why hasn\'t she called me today?\" - then BAM.....REALITY......
I so understand and I am so sorry that you are on this journey..but glad you are part of this group....Remembering Brandon with you. (((hugs))) Vicki
I have to fight very hard not to let my mind go to Cara\'s physical presence in that tomb... I know whatever exists of Cara is with me as much right this moment as at her grave... I do believe my Cara, your Brandon... all our precious angels exist beyond this life... I am not sure of how... so many signs I have been blessed... but still I struggle... but sometimes I feel the knowing comforting me... Part of how I give myself comfort is to picture Cara... flying... on the other side... Here\'s a link to a song I find comforting and I hope it will help you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kX0OLlLhE80