7 Days NC

7 days no contact… one week.  I’ve cried every day since we last chatted.  This weekend I was sad, but felt the despair lift.  I found myself getting angry, that he was so broken.  That he wasn’t honest with me or himself.  That he stayed as long as he did in the relationship.  That I allowed him to stay.  The signs were there and I missed some and ignored others.  I had always said he was going to break my heart… and he did.  Today I feel very sad.  I am on the road, in Chicago.  Last night I deleted another picture from Facebook, which at first was good, but then I started to see how many pictures are there of us.  Four years makes a lot of memories and it made me so sad to see those “happy” times.  Well I was happy.  I feel like I had IT… and now it’s gone.  I’ve never had someone.  I know my rational brain says I will have someone again, but I don’t know.  I’m scared.  He was the only one.  The only one that loved me.  I don’t feel loveable.  I know I need to work on myself and my self-esteem is the biggest area for me to focus.  I feel like I failed.  I feel rejected.  How could he not love me enough to make a change?  I know… I read it and I see the flaws.  I cannot be the one to motivate him to change.  He needs to change for himself.  He should have been whole or at least working towards it.  He is so lost.  He can’t make me happy and I do deserve so much more.  The last several months were bad.  At some point I need to take inventory of those months.  How I felt.  What happened.  What impact did that have on me?  I wish I could just focus on the negative every time I got really sad.  But I miss him.  I miss his face.  I miss how I felt with him - accepted, loved, "normal", desired… but I didn’t feel those things all the time… and am I not doing the same thing he was doing?  I can’t rely on him or anyone else to determine myself value and worth.  Feels… so many of them.

-TM