7/7/19

It’s currently 4:20 AM. I’m in my grandaunt/uncle’s home on the outskirts of Shanghai and trying to sleep. My mom decided to share a bed with my grandma, which leaves me stuck with my dad, who is a terrible sleeper. He snores loud as all hell, and they come on suddenly so that the snores don’t get monotonous enough to allow sleep. He also sleeptalks and moves/rolls around constantly, so I have to move around to avoid him. I’m “sleeping” on the inside of the bed, but I cant press myself against the wall either to avoid him because there is a hot nightlight and a light switch against the wall that I’ve accidentally pressed three times. To top it all off, there are mosquitos everywhere and I’ve been bitten several times. So basically I’ve not had a good night’s sleep at all. Yesterday was the same situation. I’m a little loopy from lack of sleep.

Lying here awake at 4AM and dissociating, thoubghts inevitably run through my head.

Yesterday, I - fuck there’s a mosquito buzzing in my ear-

Ahem, yesterday I spent the entire day with relatives that I hadn’t seen for years. That means I had to spend a day communicating in a language I loosely know with people who I feel I barely know but they feel they know me, and I feel pressured to please them. Then I was absolutely socially exhausted. To top it off I offered to draw portraits for them for fun. This was 1. because I legitimately thought they had interesting facial structures and wanted to practice and 2. because I was trying to gain their approval. It seemed like a fine idea at the time, but now pressure has appeared out of nowhere to slap me in the face! Chinese relatives tend to get offended or sad if you can’t draw them right or attractive the way they want to look. Maybe not the right way to try to get some practice. (Note from 7/9/19: in hindsight they’re more brutally honest and tell you straight up whats wrong with your drawing, which I may have spent a while trying to get right so it kinda hurts) 

My mood is very variable these last some days, I’ve gone to bed happy and woken up sullen and miserable. My first guess would be that it’s because I’ve been forgetting to take my medicine. My second would be the other myriad of reasons. I’ve been stuck in an unknown environment with people I’m unfamiliar with getting shepherded from place to place not knowing what the hell’s going on half the time and not getting any alone time or time to even draw. Right now we aren’t actually vacationing; my parents are checking up on their real estate investments, and so are my relatives. I thought that meant I’d have some alone/free time at the relative’s place but no, 6 people crammed in a little apartment and so much socializing! The wifi’s been shit and I feel disconnected from the world, unable to talk to anyone, keep up with news, or even play a game to get away from the situation. This journal will maybe be posted several days in the future when the wifi improves, if I feel comfortable doing that. Right, plus China’s delightful Communist government blocks a lot of common websites, like Google and Youtube and Instagram.  Can’t even use Google Maps or Uber here, China has their own versions. Apparently there’s revolts against a government bill going on in Hong Kong right now. I can’t find any info on that though because for one, google is blocked and I can’t use the Chinese search engine cause I can’t read Chinese, and for another, the government probably won’t let through any information concerning that anyway. Dont you love state-controlled news? Well my point is I don’t feel comfortable in a country with such a seedy government. Guess I took democracy and freedom and truthfullness in America for granted! I don’t think you can even openly talk trash about the government here without getting in trouble. Woops, haha. But I’ll be fine.

I feel hypersensitive, depressed, obsessively anxious. And alone. But making that the final sentence gives off such a sense of hopelessness, so it won’t be. I can’t really talk to anyone here. It’s hard to talk to anyone at home since the connection sucks, but even when I had wifi I didn’t. It’s too much. I’ve always had trouble expressing these kinds of feelings that I dub “kind of stupid” to other people. Though for the most part every time I do I end up feeling a lot better.

I should talk to someone.

We’re going back home on the ninth. That’s the rest of today, then tomorrow, and the day after is freedom. The day after tomorrow will probably be all stressful traveling and plane ride/airport though. At least there’s home waiting at the end. But I’m so tired of waiting, I’m so impatient you don’t even understand. To be honest I don’t think home will even feel that good, but it’s not here and that’s what matters.

Drawing... I’ve wanted to draw to calm my nerves but with a bad mood comes art block. I have no idea what to draw, I don’t feel comfortable doodling, and it overall doesn’t make me feel better. Overall I have felt pressured to draw a lot on this trip, because I feel that the best way to capture experiences is by drawing them. Plus when in my life will I go to Japan, Hawaii, China again? But like I said there’s barely any time and I haven’t felt like doing it as much as I thought I would anyway. Truth be told I have been drawing quite a bit, but I’m running out of steam now and wanna be home before I do more.

It’s 5:00 AM now. I’m not sure what to do. I can’t sleep in the room with my dad. I guess I’ll just stay up? Maybe find something to eat. I’m hungry.

(Note from 7/9/19: As I said, this journal has been posted a few days into the future. I’m feeling better now.)