7/27/15: (sigh)...
Dear DS diary,
I have a couple of things on my mind tonight.
First is my 5K training. Yes, it's still on course, I did stage 3-1 yesterday. But I'm starting to have severe doubts about where my support on this thing is going to come from. I'm in touch with my regular trainer, but with my schedule a mess right now I'm only good for one visit a week into the studio where he works. Like my workplace, he's shorthanded at present. So I've been sharing my runs with him on Facebook. But he's been so busy he really hasn't had much of a chance to even acknowledge that he's seen them. That's not his fault. But what puzzles me is the girl he works with. I have questions for her too, and while she told me she'd seek me out on Facebook last week, she still hasn't. I'm going on the assumption that she too has been overloaded of late and forgot.
That pretty much leaves me with one fellow runner on FB who did a half marathon last year, noticed I was training, and indicated openness with talking about running. But she wishes she could help more than she can. She lives in Virginia now. I live in Massachusetts.
I'd seek out a running group, but I'm a total loss how to get any sense of safety back so that I can go outside of familiar surroundings again without needing bodyguards or body armor, the latter of which will never happen until I move out because if I order it my parents will throw me into the Happy Valley Nut House. Feeling safe online has gone the way of feeling safe in real life, not helped by the fact that during my brief time at SparkPeople the few people who tried to friend me were afraid to say what needed to be said for me to open my heart (it also hurt that I was ridiculed for targeting a Virtual 5K due to trust issues, which is still what I plan to do).
The second involves getting my job search back going again. I basically dumped my life coach, unable to form any kind of meaningful bond with him. Against my better judgment, I looked into a state rehab commission and went to an orientation in June, a visit that did not go well for a large number of reasons, more than is practical to name here, even with an escort.
Today I set up an initial appointment with that same agency...and it took very little time afterwards for the panic attack to come knocking. I definitely was not myself for the rest of the day and I'm still feeling it now. The lady at the other end of the line sounded okay to deal with, but I can't prove that she's the one I'll be working with. There's no way I can get so much as a picture of anyone on the support staff there...the Mass.gov website stinks like a skunk in that regard. I can see myself having nightmares about this for several nights before I meet whoever my counselor is a week from Thursday. And I'd better have an escort because if I don't the odds that I'm going to skip this are sky-high. It's not a secret that I can't trust anybody at first sight anymore.
It's no wonder I can't focus on anything else and need to talk this out tonight. In real life, I'm in this alone. I'd love that to change but it already feels like I am far past the point of no return. And I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that's the worst place to be.
I have a couple of things on my mind tonight.
First is my 5K training. Yes, it's still on course, I did stage 3-1 yesterday. But I'm starting to have severe doubts about where my support on this thing is going to come from. I'm in touch with my regular trainer, but with my schedule a mess right now I'm only good for one visit a week into the studio where he works. Like my workplace, he's shorthanded at present. So I've been sharing my runs with him on Facebook. But he's been so busy he really hasn't had much of a chance to even acknowledge that he's seen them. That's not his fault. But what puzzles me is the girl he works with. I have questions for her too, and while she told me she'd seek me out on Facebook last week, she still hasn't. I'm going on the assumption that she too has been overloaded of late and forgot.
That pretty much leaves me with one fellow runner on FB who did a half marathon last year, noticed I was training, and indicated openness with talking about running. But she wishes she could help more than she can. She lives in Virginia now. I live in Massachusetts.
I'd seek out a running group, but I'm a total loss how to get any sense of safety back so that I can go outside of familiar surroundings again without needing bodyguards or body armor, the latter of which will never happen until I move out because if I order it my parents will throw me into the Happy Valley Nut House. Feeling safe online has gone the way of feeling safe in real life, not helped by the fact that during my brief time at SparkPeople the few people who tried to friend me were afraid to say what needed to be said for me to open my heart (it also hurt that I was ridiculed for targeting a Virtual 5K due to trust issues, which is still what I plan to do).
The second involves getting my job search back going again. I basically dumped my life coach, unable to form any kind of meaningful bond with him. Against my better judgment, I looked into a state rehab commission and went to an orientation in June, a visit that did not go well for a large number of reasons, more than is practical to name here, even with an escort.
Today I set up an initial appointment with that same agency...and it took very little time afterwards for the panic attack to come knocking. I definitely was not myself for the rest of the day and I'm still feeling it now. The lady at the other end of the line sounded okay to deal with, but I can't prove that she's the one I'll be working with. There's no way I can get so much as a picture of anyone on the support staff there...the Mass.gov website stinks like a skunk in that regard. I can see myself having nightmares about this for several nights before I meet whoever my counselor is a week from Thursday. And I'd better have an escort because if I don't the odds that I'm going to skip this are sky-high. It's not a secret that I can't trust anybody at first sight anymore.
It's no wonder I can't focus on anything else and need to talk this out tonight. In real life, I'm in this alone. I'd love that to change but it already feels like I am far past the point of no return. And I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know that's the worst place to be.
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