7/13/17

There are days were I just feel off and don't want to do anything.  I find myself just exhausted from doing nothing and all I want to do is cry.  But I can't cry, I am at work so I have to try and be normal.  I don't think there is anything normal in my life anymore.  I want to go and do things but at the same time I just want to hide away from the world.  I keep asking "God how long will this torture last?"  I pray daily for Jesus to return so this pain will just disappear.  People say it gets easier but I haven't found it getting easier; it just ebs and flows like constant waves of emotions.  When will I be able to focus again and actually remember everything I am supposed to remember.  Writing helps but it is more just getting everything out of my head.  I feel like I have way too many thoughts in my head and way too many feelings in my heart.  I keep wondering when I will expload from everything inside of me.  I don't know what I am supposed to say or how I am supposed to feel.  I just feel lost.  I want to fall asleep and forget that this ever happened.  Many times, sleep seems to be the only relief which is ironic since I seem to constantly have trouble sleeping.  My doctor had put me on an anti-depressant but that made me feel nothing rather than feeling too much everyday.  I went from one extreme to the other.  It made me not care about anything including myself.  It is sad when the things that are supposed to help you make you not even want to help yourself.  It is times like this that I understand how people can become addicted to alcohol and drugs because there is so much pain in the world that many feel the need to numb themselves from the hurt in their own lives and seeing those hurting around them.  It is so hard to even describe to others how I feel.  How do you describe feeling every emotion all at one time?  I pray constantly for strength from God because I don't have any strength of my own.  Many times this leaves me feeling helpless and useless.  I keep thinking about getting a pet to at least have something to go home to and show some sort of affection towards.  But I am struggling to even take care of myself most days so it would be unfair to bring someone/something else into this.  This constantly makes me wonder if this is why I had a miscarriage three months before my husband was killed.  Did God know that I would struggle with daily tasks that once came so easily?  Cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. now all seem so difficult.  Thank goodness I have a love for food otherwise I probably would have starved to death by now.  I don't know; I guess I am just confused on what I am supposed to do with my life now.  I feel like I have no direction.  The family I had planned is now in heaven without me so where do my hopes and dreams for my future come from...