Boys..

I talked to him again last night.. on xbox. I had been playing video games with a friend and they introduced me to someone. and while talking to them I saw him get online and waited a few minutes (Normally if he doesn't want to talk he hides offline within a minute of seeing me online) Then I invited him to my party/game. It was nice, talked, joked around, he gave me hell for laughing when he died. He got me killed. Teased me for my terrible scores. Was what I needed. He did however, get jealous... We never call each other by our actual names. Names from xbox ended up sticking and now we just normally refer to each other as Dragon (him) and Cookie (me). Well, The guy I was talking to had the gamertag with "Shadow Dragon" in it.. I call him shadow. But He started saying I was replacing him on xbox? And seemed pretty jealous.. O.o I started to inform him that "Shadow" is gay... But, I kind of enjoyed him getting jealous.. Is that bad? I mean.. He's made it such a goal to not let anybody knows that he REALLY cares. He built up his wall, and he acts like he doesn't really care about anything.. So to see that he was getting jealous and actually putting in some effort in the conversation to get my attention and actually talking about his day. and actually acting interested in what I had to say.. It was really nice... I'm NOT getting my hopes up.. I'm not going to let myself get hurt when he decides to push me away again. BUT I am allowed to enjoy talking to him in the meantime right? Or am I just being stupid and setting myself up for failure? I just want to be able to talk to him.. As a friend.. I mean, obviously I still love him.. But, that doesn't mean I am going to let him get too close again.. Not unless he could show me that it'd be different this time.. Ugh I just want to smack the crap out him for making me feel this way >.< I doubt myself soo much and stay soo confused when it comes to him.. But, he also makes me think about what I do or say more.. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing. When he's in my life I try harder to be better. I feel more motivated to stick to losing weight. He motivates me to try to be my best.. I think that is what draws me to him most. Even though he confuses me, and even though I've learned to expect him to disappoint me and break my heart.. When he is an active part of my life, everything feels a little bit easier.. 
Anyways, I write too much about him >.< I can't help it..  He's become one of the biggest parts of my life, good and bad.. But.. I'm hoping to try a lil bit harder to lose weight.. And I want to work a little harder on getting other stuff done. I need to stop relying on other people to keep me going.. I need to trust myself more.. I need to learn to rely on myself..  I can do this... Going to be tough.. But I just have to keep reminding myself that I am stronger than I think. And it's not too late to get my life together... I need to learn to love myself..