One day I won't be alive anymore.. I kinda take comfort in that thought... I feel like im slowly suffocating.. a little more each day... Suicide is constantly on my mind.. I am not planning on doing it.. But.. It's always there.. Haunting me... And the worst part is.. I know how easy it'd be for me to do it.. I know how many guns we have, where my family keeps them.. My dad has taught me to load and shoot them in case we ever need them.. And if i were to follow through with it.. I know I wouldn't even hesitate to pull the trigger... Just one shot.. And everything would be over... That's what scares me most.. I know how easy it is.. At least now I don't have my dads pistol in my room.. Makes it a little easier I guess.. Sometimes I think about getting in my truck and just driving... Go somewhere far away. Leave everything, this shitty house, shitty people, just take my animals and go.. Never look back... There is a few people I'd never be able to do that too though.. I do have some people who are really good and mean too much to me... I just want something different.. I am tired of the panic attacks, the suicidal thoughts, the feeling like I will never be good enough.. I don't feel like I will ever amount to anything.. I'm just this pathetic girl with a lot of issues.. No future.. No life.. Not attractive... Not worth the time... I don't want to be that girl that people regret... I don't want to be the girl who holds people back, or that they only keep around because they feel bad...  I have so many dreams.. so much I want to accomplish... I have this person in my head... This person I've always wanted to be.. The good person that helps people, makes a difference. That does something good with their life... I want to be the person that, when I die.. I know I've made a difference.. Even just a small one...