Day 9

I know it's been only nine days but it feels like so much longer. I'm starting to think more and more about beauty and sex. I dreamed of my ex girlfriend and how I tried so hard to make her fall in love with me. In the dream she kissed me and told me that she wasn't sure about us getting back together. I woke up thinking of her, she was my first love, the problem is that thinking of her makes me think about sex because we did get to that point. Then I kept thinking of beauty, at university I felt like flirting with a girl in my class, not because I'm interested in going out with her, but because I wanted her attention and her smile, it's sick, I hate it. 
I wrote F, I hope she doesn't feel bad because of me telling her that we are going too fast. I did notice something different about her, I hope it is only because she's actually considering slowing things down. From time to time I keep wondering about telling F that I'm not ready for sex. I'm aware that I shouldn't even mention sex yet but I remember that with C things just happened, we never planned anything. It bothers me that I only think of this as an excuse, only because my head slips into sexual thoughts from there. I like F and I respect her, I will be a nice guy. I don't want to be a perv, always thinking about sex and looks. I have to keep my head cool.
 
All this points to one direction, porn. This is why I'm worried. I'll try to have a normal date tomorrow. I hope everything turns out fine. 
 
I read this book about being like a Rhino and facing life like a rhino. How does a rhino attack? A rhino attacks in a massive way, it is unstoppable, that's how I have to face life and problems. I'll keep this in mind
 
I didn't masturbate today