Day 5
Today was pretty good. i went out with F and finally kissed her. I'm pretty scared though. I do like her, I enjoy her company, she is a good kisser but I'm not ok at all. I'm still struggling against porn and masturbation. My view of the world is distorted, sometimes I feel that I like her, sometimes I feel that I don't. Sometimes it feels that I have an urge for beauty, affection and physical contact and she is the one who is willing to give me that. I don't like that because she seems to actually like me and she deserves the same back.
I went to church today and remembered something that I forgot, My heart is God's. Jesus saved me and took me with Him, he payed for me a price higher than anyone would. For a moment I "felt" that he was telling me:
"Have you forgotten that it was ME who saved you? Have you forgotten that your heart belongs entirely to me? Why do you feel empty and alone if you have Me by your side? I gave you everything and all that you need for you to be happy is ME. "
God keeps calling me, porn has kept me far away from Him but He reminded me that He's there and He will always be there and as long as I have Him, I'm not alone, I have it all, everything makes sense, I'm ok. I was so desperate looking for someone and now it all seems too silly, I have God, I don't need anyone else to be happy. The world is wonderful because He is there and He gave me so much to discover and enjoy. I'm fine.
After that I confessed with the priest and he told me to work on the reason why I masturbated. I think it is because of frustration, I didn't realize that I have everything so I kept looking for someone to fill that void, everyone had a girlfriend but me so I tried to find one online and that always results in porn and masturbation. Now I now that I have God and that I'm complete, all I want is to work for Him. Thank you!!!!!!!!!! :)
Coming back to F, the priest told me to take my time and figure out what my feelings with her really were. After I left the church I realized that I care for her a lot. She is precious to me because of the way she is. Now I miss holding her which is good. I'll try my best to be a nice boyfriend and I know that I won't really have to try that hard because it is something I feel like doing. Still a little scared but now I think that it will be a nice ride being with her.
Temptation still comes from time to time, a video, a face, they make me think about beauty. Beauty is still dangerous to me, it makes me want more and more, which leads to porn so I'll keep avoid thinking about it. Besides, I don't care that much anymore, I have a pretty girl who likes me now.
I didn't masturbate today
I went to church today and remembered something that I forgot, My heart is God's. Jesus saved me and took me with Him, he payed for me a price higher than anyone would. For a moment I "felt" that he was telling me:
"Have you forgotten that it was ME who saved you? Have you forgotten that your heart belongs entirely to me? Why do you feel empty and alone if you have Me by your side? I gave you everything and all that you need for you to be happy is ME. "
God keeps calling me, porn has kept me far away from Him but He reminded me that He's there and He will always be there and as long as I have Him, I'm not alone, I have it all, everything makes sense, I'm ok. I was so desperate looking for someone and now it all seems too silly, I have God, I don't need anyone else to be happy. The world is wonderful because He is there and He gave me so much to discover and enjoy. I'm fine.
After that I confessed with the priest and he told me to work on the reason why I masturbated. I think it is because of frustration, I didn't realize that I have everything so I kept looking for someone to fill that void, everyone had a girlfriend but me so I tried to find one online and that always results in porn and masturbation. Now I now that I have God and that I'm complete, all I want is to work for Him. Thank you!!!!!!!!!! :)
Coming back to F, the priest told me to take my time and figure out what my feelings with her really were. After I left the church I realized that I care for her a lot. She is precious to me because of the way she is. Now I miss holding her which is good. I'll try my best to be a nice boyfriend and I know that I won't really have to try that hard because it is something I feel like doing. Still a little scared but now I think that it will be a nice ride being with her.
Temptation still comes from time to time, a video, a face, they make me think about beauty. Beauty is still dangerous to me, it makes me want more and more, which leads to porn so I'll keep avoid thinking about it. Besides, I don't care that much anymore, I have a pretty girl who likes me now.
I didn't masturbate today
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