Anger
This past couple of weeks I have been very angry. I was living in a home with my 2 grown Son's, 1 girlfriend and 3 children. 1 Son, Girlfriend and 3 children moved out last week. I was to go campling for Memorial weekend and preparing the camper was too emotional so I knew I would not be a pleasent camper. So I don't know if it's the combination of the two happenings that threw me into the angry state of mind or something else. Of course I feel cheated that I lost my bestfriend, but I am also angry that I lost my friends. I feel like I have leporacy or something the way they are avoiding me. I do/did not have alot of friend my world revolved around my Husband. I was a flight attendant and gone from my home 4 days a week so I never established any friends to speak of. Than after his passing I moved from CA to CO. I had a few friends I had kept in touch with in CO, but they have not been available to me. I feel so alone and like I failed some how. It makes me think that they only liked my Husband and not me. And now that he is gone they don't have to "put up with me" so to speak. Between my family being horrible and my friends abandoning me I feel very lost. Okay rant completed. Sorry
Replies
With them gone nothing feels right or the same. Losing them feels like losing all we held near. You will find your place, for now just know he loves you still. Sharon
I haven\'t been able to quit crying the last few days. It\'s been 10 months I thought I\'d be in a better place, I thought I was doing better. When I found the video on You Tube my heart just about came out of my chest.
Lately I haven\'t been able to forget his last couple of days. Could I have done something different? Should I have insisted he go to the DR? I just can\'t shake the depression. I feel like such a failure, I can\'t quit smoking or gaining weight. I have tried joining a health club then I injured my leg, failed at that to. Sometimes I just think it isn\'t worth it. I mean is it supposed to hurt this bad.
I think the only thing that keeps me going is I have 2 Son\'s and 4 Grandkids with another on the way.
I would not want to add anymore heartache to their lives.
I pray for strength.
Still battling the anger. A couple nights ago my Son and went to a concert, country music, I\'m not a huge country music fan but Uncle Kracker was playing. He played at the last concert my Tim and I went to so we thought it would be a good idea. My son wore a headband. About 3/4 way into the concert you could smell somebody was smoking weed, it is legal here in Colorado, we don\'t partake. There was a group of men all in cowboy hats in are area and they started getting very aggressive and accusing my Son of it, because he was wearing a headband. And for some reason I came unglued and got in the middle of the group. I reflect now that it is the anger that took over. You parents out there know that when the maternal instinct kicks in we do crazy things. Then add the level of anger I\'ve been feeling. Everything turned out okay. The group of men planned on jumping us when we were leaving so I asked security to escort us to our vehicle. I often have to stop and take a deep breath and remind myself that stranger don\'t know our backstory and I do not know theirs. They may be struggling with a lot of stuff just like we are. I am angry at them for profiling and I am angry at myself for stepping to their level and responding so aggressively. It did feel good at the time to feel the adrenaline rushing through me. I think because it directed my grief in a different direction. When I tried to go to sleep I ended up crying like I haven\'t cried in a long time. I woke up to a bedside full of kleenex without remembering a lot of it. Again I pray for the anger to subside. The anger make me \"not give a damn\" about trivial things. When it seems to me that people are whining about trivial things. I know the things are not trivial to them, but in this stae of mind I\'m in all things seem trivial. I mean people I lost my soulmate, so what if your car is making noise or you don\'t have cell service, really.
I\'ll never forget hearing the alarm ring @4:00am. I was confused at first because my Tim was always up before his alarm. He was laying with his head resting against my left shoulder so I reached over to wake him. When I touched his forehead I knew it was going to be bad. He had been gone awhile. He was a healthy 54 year old. We had just celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary that weekend.
We lived in CA our kids lived in CO and his family lived in MN. I was thrown into being the one to inform everybody. His parents requested that I had him brought back to Mn to be laid to rest. So now I am making arrangements, how to get myself , the kids and Grandkids to MN. It was a nightmare dealing with the funeral home in CA. My Tim\'s body almost did not get released in time for his funeral.
I felt financially responsible to get our kids and Grandkids to MN. So I paid for everything.
I drove one car, our oldest son drove another and and our youngest son rode his father\'s Harley. He wanted to ride his Father\'s Harley from CA to MN to honor him. Once the funeral was over we got everything back to CO. And I flew back to CA to pack my 4 bedroom house along with a 2 car storage shed by myself.
When I reflect now I realize I did not grieve in those first months. I was to busy to grieve.
Grief has been hitting me hard the last couple months. I was struggling with why, I mean it\'s been 10 months and I felt pretty good at 8 months.
After moving to CO there has been a lot of work to do on the house. I\'ve keep busy doing as much as I can afford to do. About 2 months ago I ran out of things to do and that\'s when I think the grief hit me.
The last few Friday nights have been extremely rough. Last week I woke up Saturday morning to a night table full off used tissues. This Friday night I ended up curled in a corner on the bathroom floor. There was a trigger this week, I had dropped something down the bathroom drain and did not think I was going to be able to retrieve it myself. I did not relish calling a plumber. So after my meltdown I went and got the tool bag and a wire coat hanger. I was able to retrieve it.
Friday nights are tough, that was our date night. Weekend mornings we would sit in bed with our coffee and catch up on our iPads.
I feel very lonely.
I had a gentleman I meet at work. He is a widow of 5 years. He saw me crying and we started talking he offered me his number in case I ever needed to talk. I thought it would be nice to talk about my Tim to someone. But then when I didn\'t call he came by to check on me. He then shared that he had remarried and was going to be divorcing and looking for a better person to have a life with. Wow I am not looking for anything like that. I had given him my number now he is texting me. I don\'t want to be rude, but it was not my intention to do anything but talk about my Tim.
Feeling so alone. Everyone at work was talking about there 4th of July holiday plans. Me none. We always had plans usually a motorcycle rally, now I can\'t get myself to ride at all. I rode more by myself when you were here. Now all can can get myself to do is eat. I had a hard time not crying at work today. Then this guy who is trying to date me, I\'m not interested, came in and made me feel uncomfortable.