Moving On
So I made a dating profile...this time it wasn't just for fun, although it was out of boredom, lol! There 's a guy I met...he was the 2nd guy I met on that site. He has some faults, but he somehow knows everything I need...things I haven't told anyone that I want, he has. The way he treats me is how I've always wanted and needed to be treated...and I'm not scared of him...yeah, I'm a little shy, but he pushes me to he pushes m to be open and honest with him, which is what I've been praying for. He's the first guy I've dated like this (went on dates with as friends getting to know each other), and the 1st guy in 5 years that I've had sex with...we had a little quicky last night...in a parking lot...smh, lol! I had to come write about it after I remembered something this morning...he is the 1st guy I have had sex with and didn't cry or wasn't holding back tears afterwards! It's almost unreal...the more I get to know him, the more he seems to be of what I've been longing for. I laid my head on his chest and felt so good about myself, and us in that moment...it was like breathing again after years of holding your breath. He's someone that if it didn't work out, I'd still be thankful that I even met him.
I don't want to fall in love...but at the same time, I do want to share my life with someone special...it's like, I want to skip over the uneasiness of trying again, and falling in love again, and trusting again, and etc...I just want to be secure and living with my husband, whoever he is. What I've been through sucked. It took me almost 10 years to heal. I still haven't talked through the rapes yet. I still haven't told anyone but my counselors in years...over 4...maybe over 5 or 6. And I've excepted that the girl I was is gone. I'm a woman now, so whoever I lost and whoever I could've been is gone and has been altered for eternity...but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I learned to take back control of me, by rather than letting my life dictate my happiness and who I am, I choose to be happy and tyr my best regardless of anything that have happened, is happening, or jay happen. I chose to live, and with that choice, my clock has begun to tick again :)
I somehow stumbled across a good man. There are doubts of course...after all, I do wonder if he will change on me too...is he nice to me now, just to be mean to me later...? It hurts that I even have to think about stuff like this. How are some guys so mean? It hurts. But at least he also makes me wonder if it's over now - being hurt by guys, is it over now...?
I think I am pretty successfully moving on :)
I don't want to fall in love...but at the same time, I do want to share my life with someone special...it's like, I want to skip over the uneasiness of trying again, and falling in love again, and trusting again, and etc...I just want to be secure and living with my husband, whoever he is. What I've been through sucked. It took me almost 10 years to heal. I still haven't talked through the rapes yet. I still haven't told anyone but my counselors in years...over 4...maybe over 5 or 6. And I've excepted that the girl I was is gone. I'm a woman now, so whoever I lost and whoever I could've been is gone and has been altered for eternity...but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. I learned to take back control of me, by rather than letting my life dictate my happiness and who I am, I choose to be happy and tyr my best regardless of anything that have happened, is happening, or jay happen. I chose to live, and with that choice, my clock has begun to tick again :)
I somehow stumbled across a good man. There are doubts of course...after all, I do wonder if he will change on me too...is he nice to me now, just to be mean to me later...? It hurts that I even have to think about stuff like this. How are some guys so mean? It hurts. But at least he also makes me wonder if it's over now - being hurt by guys, is it over now...?
I think I am pretty successfully moving on :)
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