sigh...

I'm a bit emotional. I want to be skinny so bad! I am sick and tired of looking the way I look! I am almost at a normal weight, and I'm sure if I would just start working out, I would get there pretty quickly! I haven't worked out in almost 2 months now! My knee kept acting up, school work piled up, I had emotional issues popping up, and then my van broke down, so I couldn't get to the gym! And I can't workout at home, because my roommate is usually sleep or whatever when I could be working out, and the only other place that there's room to do so is the living room, but my other roommates have guests over, sleeping in the living room ALL the time! I don't have an issue with it, except that I can't workout when I desperately need to!!!! It's SOOOOOOO SUPEEEEER AAANNNNOYING!!!!!! Ugh! So mad! I would be at my normal weight RIGHT NOW if I was able to keep working out! Just thinking about it makes me want to cry! I hate myself for letting things get in the way of me working out. Now I crave running, and I will probably start running in the early morning. I just hate working out in public, so it usually takes some self-motivation and extra time to make myself get out and workout in public. But I am vegan now. I continued to stay vegan because of moral reasons. I may have had selfish reasons to start, but I truly do think that veganism is so much better for the environment and it lessens the number of animals being raised in torture, just too be killed! Yes, I am on team SAVE THE ANIMALS, lol! But any who, I'd rather starve than eat an animal! And although that temps my ED, it comes from my heart and not from EDNOS. I want to cry right now though.....it's not fair.....why did I have to get so fat! And why can't I see what others see? I've been told from time to time that I look skinny, meaning I'm pretty close to a normal weight, but I don't see it at all. 40 pounds from now, I will be a normal weight. But I probably still will look fat. Even if I get underweight, I probably will still see the fat...it sucks that I can't see what others see. II won't ever be my best in my own eyes, and that sucks....but I still want to look good in the eyes of others at least...........but I'm not there yet. I've lost enough for others to feel comfortable talking about fat people and for my skinny friends to talk about how they're "getting fat" and etc.....so I'm almost there. Plus my size 14s are getting smaller and smaller. That's good. But when will I get to see myself as being sexy? When will I look beautiful to me? The closest I get to seeing myself as being even slightly pretty is in pictures....but I want to look in the mirror and think I'm at least somewhat pretty :( My confidence has risen, and I do think I look better than I once did, but I'm not beautiful yet...and I'm scared I will never be :[