ED

If it's not one thing, it's another. I didn't even realize that my ED was trying to slip it's way back into my life! Dude, go away ED! LOL! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I should've known when I decided to try and eat meat one day during the week I decided to go vegan, and I couldn't. I didn't really have anymore fruits and veggies and was hungry. I was willing to not eat anything at all than to eat the meat. I literally couldn't eat it.........it reminds me of that time I sat an hour, trying to force myself to eat some rice so that I would have enough energy to go to band practice and not get sick. Back then, I was eating only once a day, right before practice. After 1 month, I had lost a noticeable amount of weight (so it had to be like 10 pounds), but I thought I was gaining weight. I don't understand that, but yeah....I seriously thought I gained weight, and I was losing weight. I needed to eat...and I couldn't....I just couldn't. It took an hour, and I can't even remember if I ate it.....and I actually cried too. I wanted to be able to eat it, but I couldn't. And that's what me trying to eat the meat felt like. I did chew some, but I couldn't eat more than a few bites....and I even spit the 1st bite out. I'm actually happy my vehicle broke down, because I would have still been working out 1 - 2 hours at the gym. I am sick and tired of this. I am sick and tired of relapses and temptation to relapse. I am so sick and tired of wanting to just give in and starve and restrict. I am so sick and tired of quietly "kicking myself" because when I started binging, I didn't start purging. I am so sick and tired of actually CRAVING purging.....like I craved it! I wasn't used to throwing up, not even when I was sick, so I was actually scared to....plus I thought people would hear and I'd get caught. I even tried to once before.....but I actually used to crave it, and I actually used to fantasize about it...like, how pretty I would be if I would have just started purging. Even last year when I relapsed.....if I would've went on and really did a better job at purging (I purged 1 time, but it was only water...just to see if I could). I am messed up. My ED made me gain weight, and my ED made me not be able to lose and gain more weight.....but my ED also helped me kickoff my weightloss last year......and I crave it so much. I like feeling empty. I don't like stomach growling, and I don't like the whole "starvation mode" stuff (I'm not trying to gain more weight). I don't like the feeling feint stuff either....I remember plenty of times when I got over heated/feint and almost passed out....even once in the shower. I am getting closer and closer to being at a healthy weight. It sucks because with my ED, I could be there in a few months, easy. Eat less, workout more. And if I had started purging, I wouldn't be fat now! I am a size 14. I have 40-50 pounds to lose to get to a healthy weight. And I look smaller than I actually am (or so people say). I'm busty, and I have a little muscle, so I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I look......but that doesn't make me feel any better. And it also sucks that I can't tell when I am losing weight or not. I look the same in the mirror..........I have issues.......I'm messed up. I wish I could be just a little messed up and get skinny, and then work on being healthier, lol! I wish ED was ok, but it's not....it never will be.....and I want to be healthy and fit, not under the control of ED :\