I'm sad. I was doing good not talking to my ex. I'm over him. But he kept reaching out to him, and before I knew it, I was reminiscing about old times with friends and crap, and I started missing him....not in a romantic way. Like, I'm over him, but I miss the relationship we had. And Unfortunately, this made me start thinking about how I'm still single and haven't been on a date since my ex last took me out 4 years or so ago. He was the only guy I ever really loved. I loved other guys, but it was easy to stop. It was more of a friendship love, but just a little more. But with my ex, I truly loved him from the bottom of my heart. I opened myself up to him completely, more than I have with anyone, even my therapists. And then he got someone else, similar to me...and they do the things I did with him, and wanted to do with him. He gave that girl everything I asked him to give to me. And I finally got over it and didn't care, but he kept trying to talk to me and wouldn't leave me alone. Every 2 or 3 weeks, he's sent some message, trying to talk. And now I'm sad. I want to be in love again, but nobody wants me. He says nothing is wrong with me. He's always said I was beautiful, I didn't need to change anything about myself, I was wife material...but if that's true, then why don't any guy want me? And why did he leave? And why wont any guy give me a chance? Something must be wrong with me right? Guys don't even flirt with me. They try not to look me in the eye sometimes. Sometimes they seem to not want me to see them looking at me. I hate it so much. People stare at me, but they never approach me. Especially guys! They never give me a chance and go to other girls, get in relationships, but I see them staring. They will stare at me, but not one would ever actually speak...and if they see me look, they turn away. Am I that ugly? If I was beautiful for real, somebody would've tried to talk to me and ask me on a date by now. The only guys that have ever approached me since my ex left me, there were like 5 or 6 of them, and every single one of them only wanted sex. 1 or 2 approached me in a sexual manner, and 1 was so blunt, he told me that either he wanted me to be his girlfriend or friends with benefits...when I wouldn't let him have sex, after about a week, he told me to lose his number. I wish things were different. Even with my ex, I thought I had found someone who loved me. He said, even a couple of years after he broke up with me, that I was the woman he could ever see himself marrying. He promised he wouldn't hurt me and wouldn't leave me, and that's exactly what he did. He said I did nothing wrong...but then, why after years of giving him chance after chance, why did he never take me back? And why did he date other girls....and even lie to me about it....he loves his girlfriend. He treats her the way he should've treated me. Everything he should've done to make things right with me, he is doing with her. Everything I cried about, he is making up for with her. But I'm not the problem, he says. I did nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with me, I don't need to change anything, I'm wife material, I'd make a great mother, he loves me and always will, I'm beautiful, he regrets everything that happened, he misses our relationship too, he is so sorry for hurting me, he knows what he did was messed up, I should blame him...but he's with someone else, and everytime I told him I loved him and wanted to be with him, he'd say he didn't want to be in a relationship at the time with anybody, not just me....but he gave 2 other girls a chance...and it's been about 9 months with the girl he's with now. It's not fair.
I wish I was pretty for real. I wish I was worth loving for real. Then maybe, I wouldn't have been hurt so much.....or at least, maybe I wouldn't be alone now.