Today is bad. I noticed I was nervous/anxious after my counseling session. I got some coffee and was ok. I laughed and had fun, but underneath it all, I am sad. Now, I wish I could cry. Something in me hurts. I keep thinking about everyone that used me, especially men. I think about how they treated me like the only worth I had was in my body. I keep thinking about how I felt like the only thing I was good for was pleasing men. I hate how I felt I wasn't worth loving. I hate how I sometimes feel like I will never be truly loved. I hate how I tried to open up to others, just to be hurt. I hate how I'm working so hard and have gotten so much better about opening up and entering back into society, even though in the back of my mind, I wonder if I'm gonna be hurt again. I want to know why do men not like me? Why do they treat me like their property that exists only to please then, when they do have me? I used to think I was so pretty when I was younger (17, 18, 19), but now I wonder if I really was? I still would give anything to lose weight and at the least, get back to how I used to be, but I wonder if I really was pretty....or did guys only see my full lips, bust, hips and stuff, and targeted me because they knew I wasn't pretty enough for others to want to settle down with.....so they thought I owed them for giving me the time of day....? Idk....it sounds stupid, I know, but I'm a realist (even though I try to be an optimist). Not one guy has treated me the way a woman should be treated....except for some that only wanted sex. People have stopped me before, just to tell me how pretty I am....but guys don't look at me anymore. They don't even approach me for sex anymore. I'm celibate, but still, it's almost like because I lost my old body (which is where my worth apparently lied), it's rare for a guy to speak to me. I guess I'm ugly. Then I'm still a little afraid of other people (getting close to others/socializing), and I've had some pretty ugly things happen to me....so who would want someone like me? 
I think back, and actually long for the days when guys would tell me I was beautiful. I even almost miss when guys were trying to force themselves on me, because at least I got some attention. I know it's stupid to talk so much about love and relations, but it's something I really desire and have desired for a long time. I'm an old fashion girl that wants to be married, taking care of her husband. I used to would have made a great girlfriend/wife to a man...but now, I'm fearful, broken, and hesitant towards love....I want that dream relationship, but I doubt if I will ever get it....and if I did, I'm so scared of being hurt again! I would definitely date guys, if I had that option, but as far as falling in love.....I'm scared of it, just as much as I desperately desire it :[
I'm tired of being alone! I'm tired of being unheard! I'm tired of who I am and I want to change! It hurts so much, the things I've been through. I want to cry.....tears are welling up in my eyes now (even though they keep going away, since I'm not in a private area)...my heart hurts.....my heart feels like it's crying. 
I think I will be alone for a long time. I think I'll be in my 40's, still wishing I were in a relationship. I will look around at all my friends who are married, and feel bad. I will see my ex and other people who hurt me (betrayed me), happily married, and it will hurt. I will still be dreaming about the perfect guy. I will be angry at how my love-life unfolded. I desired love so badly, but instead was raped, assaulted, emotionally abused, cheated on, lead on, neglected, used for sexual pleasures, lied to.......instead of getting love, I got betrayal. It's not fair.I gave love advice out that worked for others....and I was so excited, thinking about how to be a good woman to my man....I used to think about how to love the right way all the time......I was excited about it, but then I was raped, and everything when to Hell. 
 
I hate that I am a person that needs to love and needs to be loved. Even when I was little, all I wanted was to love and be loved. My first real crush was at age 6. The first time I thought a boy was cute was about age 5. I tried so hard to be good...and somehow, I attracted so much bad. How is that fair?
I'm hurting. 
I once thought all of this was over. I didn't think I would ever have to worry about being alone. I thought I was gonna get married. We weren't engaged, but we planned on getting engaged after we graduated. I even planned to move to South Carolina with him, though sometimes I would joke and say he was moving to Atlanta.
I guess that's why I'm even more serious about my dreams now. If I can't have love, I want to at the least love what I do. I want to still have fun in life, even if I'm alone. 
But honestly, I would give anything to be in a good, healthy relationship. 
I think I'm gonna cry.