I'm sad today. I was talking to God about how it's a man's world.....they get everything, take anything, and still have choices and options in love, despite however many people have been broken because of them....I', being patient like God said years ago.....He reminded me last year to be patient, and I am...but it hurts. I just want a good, healthy relationship. I've never had one. I've been hurt so badly, and all I wanted was to love somebody they best I could, and be loved. I constantly thought about ways to be a good woman to my man, even after all the unfair hurt I was put through. And when I finally fell in love, he put me down whenever he got mad...it was kinda emotionally abusive...he got better, and we were gonna get married, but he didn't love me. He really hurt me, badly. He lead me on for years, just to go out with another woman behind my back...he wasn't gonna tell me about her either....he still was saying that maybe we would get back together too...he hurt me so badly that he felt ashamed whenever I would talk about us...and yet, he is going on 7 months with his girlfriend. Even the guy that raped me had gotten himself a girlfriend, about 1 or 2 months into raping me. Other guys who tried to use me had/got girlfriends...and I have no one. I'm all alone...and it hurts. I don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't have a choice. And because of the fight in me that has grown so strong over these past few years, I can't even think of settling for just anybody. But apparently, good guys don't like me.
Now, I'm a girl that stays home and watches Netflix and sleeps all day. I'm a girl that only gets out to go to the store when I'm home. I can barely hold on to friendships. I'm doing better about being social, but sometimes, it's still scary, and when I go home (I'm in school now, about an hour away from my parents' house), once again, I'm alone.....I've gotten to the point where I have at least 2 friends I can text. I talk to them sometimes, so it's not the same as before...but still, I feel like I'm alone a lot of the time.
I am completely over my ex now...but I still hate what he did, and the thought that I put so much effort into our relationship still hurts. And it's sad...I feel like sometimes my past still haunts me......my ex, the rape, my old friendships, my old life (drumline), my old body, Ana and Mia, my desire to be in a healthy relationship...my desire to be happy....they all haunt me. Sometimes, it's all I can think about. They aren't just thoughts or old memories....it's like they are hanging over me, reminding me of how big of a failure I am! I know I screwed up. But even still, I'm doing better, and am striving to be even better than I may have been if I was never put through all of that hurt. Actually....I'm not a failure. Being a failure means the end....it's a loss after the end. But my life is still going on, and I'm getting stronger and stronger all the time.....I just wish my past would go away.
I have needs and desires. It's so angering that I'm always looked over! I am a person that needs to love and needs to be loved. But every time I love anyone, I end up hurt......but because of who I am, I continue to love everyone.............and I continue to hope for and pray for and wait for the day when I can experience true, unconditional love by a man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me, even with all of my flaws! I yearn for the day when I can open my heart to a man that I am attracted to, who wont hurt me, who loves me, who wont leave me, who I can trust...I desperately crave to at least get the chance to meet and be friends with the man I will call my husband! But honestly....sometimes, because of all the hurt my heart has been through...I get scared of the idea of falling in love again. I'm terrified of opening my heart up. I'm so scared....maybe just as scared, or more, than I am desperate to be loved and love again! I hate that I am like this. It's not fair. But this is my life.
I'm still doing my best. I'm still being patient. I'm still hopeful. And I still believe that one day, everything will be ok.
Now, I'm a girl that stays home and watches Netflix and sleeps all day. I'm a girl that only gets out to go to the store when I'm home. I can barely hold on to friendships. I'm doing better about being social, but sometimes, it's still scary, and when I go home (I'm in school now, about an hour away from my parents' house), once again, I'm alone.....I've gotten to the point where I have at least 2 friends I can text. I talk to them sometimes, so it's not the same as before...but still, I feel like I'm alone a lot of the time.
I am completely over my ex now...but I still hate what he did, and the thought that I put so much effort into our relationship still hurts. And it's sad...I feel like sometimes my past still haunts me......my ex, the rape, my old friendships, my old life (drumline), my old body, Ana and Mia, my desire to be in a healthy relationship...my desire to be happy....they all haunt me. Sometimes, it's all I can think about. They aren't just thoughts or old memories....it's like they are hanging over me, reminding me of how big of a failure I am! I know I screwed up. But even still, I'm doing better, and am striving to be even better than I may have been if I was never put through all of that hurt. Actually....I'm not a failure. Being a failure means the end....it's a loss after the end. But my life is still going on, and I'm getting stronger and stronger all the time.....I just wish my past would go away.
I have needs and desires. It's so angering that I'm always looked over! I am a person that needs to love and needs to be loved. But every time I love anyone, I end up hurt......but because of who I am, I continue to love everyone.............and I continue to hope for and pray for and wait for the day when I can experience true, unconditional love by a man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me, even with all of my flaws! I yearn for the day when I can open my heart to a man that I am attracted to, who wont hurt me, who loves me, who wont leave me, who I can trust...I desperately crave to at least get the chance to meet and be friends with the man I will call my husband! But honestly....sometimes, because of all the hurt my heart has been through...I get scared of the idea of falling in love again. I'm terrified of opening my heart up. I'm so scared....maybe just as scared, or more, than I am desperate to be loved and love again! I hate that I am like this. It's not fair. But this is my life.
I'm still doing my best. I'm still being patient. I'm still hopeful. And I still believe that one day, everything will be ok.
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