So...I have friends. They don't know what all I've been through. But they are my friends. And I am completely over my ex now. I am determined that the next guy, and ever guy after that if he isn't the one, that I date will treat me right. Abuse has been my norm when it comes to relationships, and I am determined to break that. I have high standards, and I am sick and tired of disregarding my preferences for guys that have no real respect for me. I used to think my standards were unattainable...then I met someone that meets every preference. If there is one guy out there, there must be another somewhere! This guy is 3 1/2 years younger than me........and even if I were willing to overlook the age difference, I seriously doubt if he is even remotely attracted to me enough to even think of possibly going on just a date with me, let alone love me. He is so great in my eyes. He is everything that I want. And even if by some miracle, he did like me, once he finds out about everything, he would probably be skeptical about staying with me. I want a great guy....someone as great as him...but even if by some chance, I met and got to date this great guy, he probably wouldn't want to marry me.
I was pretty simple in my expectations from life. I had big dreams, but at the end of the day, all I really wanted was to go to school and learn a lot, fall in love, get married, build a family, and have a career that I love (even if my job was only voluntary, or maybe even in the church, or even part-time, or whatever). I just wanted a little knowledge, love, family, and happiness. But now, I'm 25 and I don't barely have any of that. My plans have been completely derailed. I have new dreams, and even those, I sometimes doubt.
When I see that guy I like.....I wish he likes me too. I desperately wish he likes me. And I dream about having a good love and a good life with him. He is like a representation of hope, or something.........but when I see him, I also feel bad. I feel like I'm not worth him, and I feel he is out of reach. I see him and am reminded of the life I so desperately want to live and the person I want so desperately with every ounce of me, to be. I am reminded of the dreams I used to have at night, about a good man. About falling for a good man, in some alternate reality where non of that "R" word stuff ever happened to me. He is what I want.....but I know I can't have him. He's out of my reach......but I desperately wish he wasn't. And I wish he liked me. And I wish he would still like me even after finding everything out. And I wish he was the one. And I wish we could be happy together and grow old together...but for me, something like that........something great like that would take a miracle. I'm dirty. I didn't apply myself. I let myself go. And I have issues. And I am pretty fearful. and it takes all of me to fight to be better than I was, and even still...I've come a long way, and yet I am still not all that great really. But I wish it was all different :(
Oh well. At least I found someone just like my "dream guy." At least I get to see him a lot, and even interact with him from time to time. That in itself is satisfying enough for now, I guess.......not really, because I do like him, but I guess I just have to make myself be ok with it [sigh]...
I was pretty simple in my expectations from life. I had big dreams, but at the end of the day, all I really wanted was to go to school and learn a lot, fall in love, get married, build a family, and have a career that I love (even if my job was only voluntary, or maybe even in the church, or even part-time, or whatever). I just wanted a little knowledge, love, family, and happiness. But now, I'm 25 and I don't barely have any of that. My plans have been completely derailed. I have new dreams, and even those, I sometimes doubt.
When I see that guy I like.....I wish he likes me too. I desperately wish he likes me. And I dream about having a good love and a good life with him. He is like a representation of hope, or something.........but when I see him, I also feel bad. I feel like I'm not worth him, and I feel he is out of reach. I see him and am reminded of the life I so desperately want to live and the person I want so desperately with every ounce of me, to be. I am reminded of the dreams I used to have at night, about a good man. About falling for a good man, in some alternate reality where non of that "R" word stuff ever happened to me. He is what I want.....but I know I can't have him. He's out of my reach......but I desperately wish he wasn't. And I wish he liked me. And I wish he would still like me even after finding everything out. And I wish he was the one. And I wish we could be happy together and grow old together...but for me, something like that........something great like that would take a miracle. I'm dirty. I didn't apply myself. I let myself go. And I have issues. And I am pretty fearful. and it takes all of me to fight to be better than I was, and even still...I've come a long way, and yet I am still not all that great really. But I wish it was all different :(
Oh well. At least I found someone just like my "dream guy." At least I get to see him a lot, and even interact with him from time to time. That in itself is satisfying enough for now, I guess.......not really, because I do like him, but I guess I just have to make myself be ok with it [sigh]...
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