Just venting
I'm doing pretty good :) I tried to go to the discussion page today though....I like to read the posts every so often and see if I could help somebody...but this time, I saw 1 or 2 posts that look like mine from the past, and my emotions began to stir up. I didn't want to even think about how I felt/feel about my attack and attacker, so I decided to just get off and push the thought out of my mind. Idk....I thought I was better, but am I just suppressing my feelings again? Have I truly processed everything that happened to me? Yesterday, I was beginning to feel a little bad that I'm not a virgin. I wanted to wait until marriage. I want to be able to say, proudly, that I stuck to my morals and waited until I met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with to have sex. And I also feel bad that I want to marry a guy that stuck to his morals (if possible)...but I am not pure...and I can't imagine wearing a fully white gown. I want to be able to walk down the isle in a purely white gown, representing my virginity and purity....but I can't. There is so much that I want, but I can't have......my first kiss even.......my first hickey....a lot of my intimate firsts, I want to have given to the man I will spend the rest of my life with....or even if I slipped up, I wanted it to be my choice. I just want to be able to experience giving that special moment to the one I love...but I can't.
Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes.....I'm not crying, but if I had kept on venting, the tears would have fallen down. I guess I'm not as "over it" as I was hoping I was. Whatever though.
And one thing that angers me so much....because nobody told me that even though my virginity was taken, I could still wait...because I didn't know if I was a virgin, and I was so confuse, broken, and uncaring towards myself, I gave my "first willing time" to a friend I felt comfortable with. I let my friends do more than I should have.....I've done things that goes against my morals.......and I feel so dirty and ashamed because of it all. And I can't reboot my life. What's done is done......but I feel like no matter what happens, I will always have this stain on me that will never wash away.
I want so much...but I can't have it. I want to be so much, but I will always be lacking, no matter what. Even if I pretend it never happened, go on with my life, and never tell any one else about it, that dark part of my past will always be there.
I hate it and I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm ashamed. And I'm regretful.
I don't understand why something so evil as rape even exists.
Just writing this has brought tears to my eyes.....I'm not crying, but if I had kept on venting, the tears would have fallen down. I guess I'm not as "over it" as I was hoping I was. Whatever though.
And one thing that angers me so much....because nobody told me that even though my virginity was taken, I could still wait...because I didn't know if I was a virgin, and I was so confuse, broken, and uncaring towards myself, I gave my "first willing time" to a friend I felt comfortable with. I let my friends do more than I should have.....I've done things that goes against my morals.......and I feel so dirty and ashamed because of it all. And I can't reboot my life. What's done is done......but I feel like no matter what happens, I will always have this stain on me that will never wash away.
I want so much...but I can't have it. I want to be so much, but I will always be lacking, no matter what. Even if I pretend it never happened, go on with my life, and never tell any one else about it, that dark part of my past will always be there.
I hate it and I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm ashamed. And I'm regretful.
I don't understand why something so evil as rape even exists.
Replies
101Swoop101 I am glad to hear you express yourself in a positive way. It\'s totally okay to feel the way that you are feeling, as all victims of rape have feelings of worry, shame, and most often anger and pain. I like to think of tears of rinsing the soul, and a way that our body likes to release stress when our minds, hearts, or souls are too overwhelmed with the physical and mental pains of the world. No one told you that you could still restrain from sexual activities, but as a survivor, I am hear to tell you that you can still wait to give your body to your husband. I know exactky what you mean. I was left with a child by the man who violated me, and it seemed like I was so anxious to give myself to someone willingly that I chose to give it to someone who wasn\'t so bad, but he wasn\'t so deserving of my body either. I think that was my way of controlling me...again...in a strange way. It was not a good idea, but we live and learn. You have the power to change yourself, you have the power to share your feelings, and you have the right to NOT discuss your feelings with your peers or love ones until you are completely comfortable doing so. You proved this to me when you said that you gave your first willing time to a friend. Just like you did that, you can also hold yourself for the person that you marry one day. As long as we live, we have the ability to change what we don\'t like about ourselves, even when we are unsure what we want. It\'s okay to work towards reaching your goals, while you do other positive things to feel the empty void you may feel when there is no one around to talk to you or listen to you vent about all of your feelings. Say for instance, you were walking through town one day and you tripped into some muddy water. Although you were lucky enough to escape serious lifelong injuries, you still ended up with mud all over your white blouse. This would be embarrassing, as you may feel dirty and embarrassed. However, the longer your walk is, the closer you are to home. When you arrive home, you think of all the people who seen you in the streets covered in mud, you sigh at the comments that must have said about you. Nonetheless, you take a shower and decide to lay down in your bed. Now, you are clean as if you were never dirty. All of these people who witnessed you strolling the streets covered in mud...well what about them? You will possibly never see them again, although you will always remember that dreadful day. My point is, you have the power to be a voice for other survivors of rape, you have a chance to show me and everyone else that we are not alone. You have the ability to warn other females against the dangers of rape. It is your memory to do whatever positive or negative things you want to do. Will you chose to allow your memory to stress you, although you know that rationally there was nothing you could have done to stop it? You may have feel like you are partially to blame, but we are only responsible for what we can control. You can think negative, as if you are dirty when in fact you are the complete opposite. Just reading your story, I know that you are a strong lady with morals and goals. Despite what you went through, you are better...why do I say this? Because you desire positive things in life as you should. What someone else does to you speak numbers on who they are. What you do with what has happened speaks numbers on you. Thank you for sharing your story.