venting

I feel........weird. I'm kinda ok, but I know I'm not healthy. Eating=fat. I know. That's what happened to me. Now I'm losing, and I want to keep losing and keep losing...when I get to my ideal size, I will stop....I know I'll still see myself as fat, but it's ok. As long as I'm where I want to be, I don't care what happens for me to get there! I'm gonna start pushing myself more, like I used to. I am going to get the rest of this weight off me! And quickly! The quicker it leaves, the quicker I can eat more. I need to wait....and I can eat later. I will eat again one day. I may never be normal, but, I will eat again one day..............I need to eat less. I tried to just restrict, and I even tried to up my cal intake, but it's so stressful. There is no way I can lose weight and be healthy right now......and it will take too long anyway. So I've decided to lose what I can now, and quickly, and then I can work on being closer to normal once I get down to about 140ish....it's so hard, because I'm always a little heavier than I look. I'm naturally a little thicker and bigger than other girls........so a normal weight for me is around 150 or so....so if I can get down to 140, or even 130, then when I start eating a little more, if I gain weight, I will still look normal.........honestly, I would love to get down to 120....my fav number is 16, so 116 would be perfect! But then people would worry....when I was 150, apparently I started getting really thin and it was worrying my mama. I was in a size 8 - 10 at 150 pounds (and I am 5'5"). If I could get into a size 8....wow......or a size 6, I would ignore that voice always saying to lose more, and I would stop there :) But Idk.......getting down to a size 10 is good enough for me (even though it's still not skinny). Right now......I'm probably almost in a size 14. The next time I try on pants, I hope I can fit into a 14 or smaller..........I need to work out more. In these next 2 and a half weeks of school, I need to get into a size 14, almost 13. It's kinda complicated though because people are watching me.......but it's fine. I will lose this weight. I will get under 200 before school ends. I will stay under 200. And when I come back to school in August for my last year, EVERYONE will be so shocked and surprised at how good I look! I will get so many compliments and looks! I don't even care if people try and talk behind my back saying I have an ED. ED or not, at least I will be skinny! :) Everything will be fine. Everything will be better once I lose weight! I will be able to wear good clothes. I will have style. I will be more confident. I will be much more attractive! I will get to date again. I will get to flirt again! I wont have to worry and stress about my old high school classmates seeing me one day, because I will be the size I was, or smaller. I CANT WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just wish I had more support. Every friend I had that I could obsess about my weight with is gone. I wish I had more pro-ana friends :(  I know that's not "healthy" but what is healthy anyway? Healthy or not, I still have to live in this body! We all die at some time anyway, so instead of living in a fat body, in a miserable life, why not enjoy life? Why not be beautiful? Why not lose weight? I will still be alive. As long as Ana doesn't consume me, I'm fine. I will be fine. I got down to wearing mediums when I was younger........now....maybe I should aim for the same, or maybe even a small? Idk........but it's gonna be great to see the better version of me rise up :) I can't wait! :D