venting
I really wish he would come back to me. Why was I so stupid to actually fall in love as hard as I did? I was a fucking idiot! But I'm not falling in love ever again. Fuck love. I hate that fucking shit. If this is what happens, fuck it! It's painfully obvious that I can't be fucking loved! I'm easy to leave and easy to hurt. I'm worthless. I'm not worth fighting for. I'm not worth a second chance. I'm not worth shit. But that's fucking cool. When I lose weight, it's gonna be all good and shit. Guys loved my body when I was skinnier, so when I get down, I'll just have fun. I'll know that guys don't want to marry me, and I'll keep my heart closed while they try and play me. I'll even be up for open relationships. No commitments either....I honestly don't even know if I want a boyfriend. I'm never introducing any man to my family again. And I am DEFINITELY NOT meeting another man's family. I'm not playing that role again so I can just be fucked over again. And honestly, I don't even know if I could love another man the way I loved him. He was the one for me......and he used to think I was the one. Apparently lI wasn't though. I hate every girl he's talked to and I hate his ex and I hate that bitch his with now, Kierra! I fucking HATE HER SO MUCH! I'm so fucking angry and so fucking bitter that I can't even describe how I feel in words.
At the same time, I'm so tire and feel like giving up. Idk how I'm gonna finish up this school semester with good grades...and Idk even if I'm gonna graduate.
And I keep having dreams of me and my ex having sex and stuff, and then I get pregnant. Or I have a dream of us getting back together somehow. I even started feeling fucking hopeful that we will get back together, but NO! FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm not waiting on him any longer! God said to be patient, and he got with that stupid bitch Kierra. And then God said to still be fucking patient! Why the FUCK do I have to go through so much pain! When will it finally be enough! I might still be patient, who knows......but when is enough actually enough? How much more pain does my heart have to go through before I can finally start having good things happen? Everytime things look up, something else happens to hurt me again. Why can't I be happy? What the fuck did I do so wrong that I have to be fucking hurt over and over again!? What the hell! Is this my life? Crying all the time? Depression? Anxiety? Not trusting anyone? Not loving anyone? Is this all I'm worth? Does God think this is all I'm worth? Why hasn't he heeled me yet? Why am I still heartbroken? And if He wants me to be with Lionel, if he really did put him in my life, then why hasn't he broke him and that girl up yet? Why are they still together? And if I'm not supposed to be with him, why are we so intertwined? Why can't I stop loving him? And why is he keeping me in his life? What the hell is going on? Why am I still hurting and crying over this? Why am I still hurting and crying at all? When will things FINALLY get better for me?????????????????????????????
At the same time, I'm so tire and feel like giving up. Idk how I'm gonna finish up this school semester with good grades...and Idk even if I'm gonna graduate.
And I keep having dreams of me and my ex having sex and stuff, and then I get pregnant. Or I have a dream of us getting back together somehow. I even started feeling fucking hopeful that we will get back together, but NO! FUCK THAT SHIT! I'm not waiting on him any longer! God said to be patient, and he got with that stupid bitch Kierra. And then God said to still be fucking patient! Why the FUCK do I have to go through so much pain! When will it finally be enough! I might still be patient, who knows......but when is enough actually enough? How much more pain does my heart have to go through before I can finally start having good things happen? Everytime things look up, something else happens to hurt me again. Why can't I be happy? What the fuck did I do so wrong that I have to be fucking hurt over and over again!? What the hell! Is this my life? Crying all the time? Depression? Anxiety? Not trusting anyone? Not loving anyone? Is this all I'm worth? Does God think this is all I'm worth? Why hasn't he heeled me yet? Why am I still heartbroken? And if He wants me to be with Lionel, if he really did put him in my life, then why hasn't he broke him and that girl up yet? Why are they still together? And if I'm not supposed to be with him, why are we so intertwined? Why can't I stop loving him? And why is he keeping me in his life? What the hell is going on? Why am I still hurting and crying over this? Why am I still hurting and crying at all? When will things FINALLY get better for me?????????????????????????????
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