Venting

I miss my ex. Wed night/Thu morning, I sent a fb message saying I would respond to his messages and answer his calls, but other than that, I would stop talking to him. I would stop saying good morning and goodnight.....but it hurts. I still dream about us being together. I still want to see him and be with him. I still find it hard to move on and I can't really think of ever loving again. Sometimes, I try and dream up the perfect guy, and think about me dating him, things going right, and us getting married, but at the end of the day, I don't want the perfect guy....I just want to be with my ex. I tell myself that I'm only thinking this now, and when I find the right guy, or the right guy finds me, my feelings will change...but I'm scared. My ex and I were in a committed relationship and was talking about marriage. Nobody ever seems to care, even him, that we were talking marriage. Even after we broke up, we were still talking marriage. He makes me wonder if commitments are really not so special after all. He makes me think that promises, and love, and etc are just words people say. I still love him. Even after all this, if he asked me back out today, I would say yes. I wouldn't trust him and it would take a lot of work and a lot of time for me to get to the point where I'm confident in our relationship again...but I would still take him back. The thing is, he hasn't wanted me in a long time. Thursday morning, after reading my message, he said "morning" to me. He even started up a short convo, but I was waiting for counseling, so we texted only a little, and I haven't heard from him since. I'm used to being hurt, but this pain hurt more than anything I've ever been through. Everytime I see his profile picture with him and her together.....everytime I look through his pictures and see mine are gone.......everytime I think of her one day going to visit his family.......everytime I think about them, it really makes me realize that he really doesn't love me anymore, and it really is over between us. I think about marrying another man....and I think about how I may carry another man's baby oneday.....and I think about him one day having sex with her....and she carrying his baby......and how they've kissed already.......and even now, typing this stuff, tears are falling down. I don't know how my life got so screwed up. How did I end up being that girl that was raped, assaulted, cheated on, left by her friends, and who fell in love with a man that oneday walks away from the relationship and never takes her back. How did I become the girl that everyone can leave and walk away from so easily. How did I become the woman that doesn't deserve to be loved? Why is my life like this? It's not fair.