So...to finish my previous journal..........Saturday night is when I asked and pushed my ex to tell me if he loves her, and finally he said he loves her......I lost it.....I was laying in the bath tub, and I could barely keep my cries in, and I had to use a pillow to hush my cries...I started kicking, and if I was alone in my apartment, I would have been yelling, and crying, and hitting things.....I was so distraught, and then I went back into the depression feeling and I called him....and told him I wont be talking to him anymore. I could barely talk and I even cried some on the phone....he kept asking me why don't I want to talk to him anymore.....after it all, he said he would call me back in the morning. Just like always, he wouldn't let me go......so I put the phone down and the pain was too much to bare....and the tears kept flowing out of my eyes......and finally I said I don't care about anything anymore. I turned my emotions off. I started talking to God, and I din't care about anything, even cussing. I started cussing and felt convicted and I said to God, "NO! NO! YOU CAN'T CONVICT ME!" I just didn't care, and I got angrier and angrier....and then I remembered that God put Lionel in my life....He put in my spirit that Lionel was my husband....He told me to be patient and we would be ok.....so I felt like He lied. I told God He lied to me. I went to my room at some point and got ready for bed. I took a sleeping pill and laid down. I wasn't gonna talk to God at all, but I felt in my spirit to talk to Him, and I said "NO! I am NOT praying!" And I couldn't help it and started talking to God...it was hard, because I didn't want to be disrespectful, because He IS still God....no matter how mad I get, it doesn't change who He is. So I told Him I didn't care anymore...and while I was angry and talking, and pissed off....God put on my spirit to "still be patient"...and everything will work out between me and Lionel...we'll be ok. I told God to give me a sign...when I went to sleep, at first, I was dreaming about getting back with him.....the next morning, before I woke up, I had a dream...we were together....and we were messing around or having sex....but the dream left my hands and began to get real. It changed, and we were in a different house and everything. We were married and we were having sex and I was worried about getting pregnant...the second half of the dream, we were piano shopping and I was pregnant. We were at some store, and I had to be in my 2nd trimester...everything was so real...even the pregnancy was real...when I kissed his lips, it was real...everything was so real, it was like I was really there...like I was experiencing part of my future or something...when I started to wake up, the dream started to become a dream again, and I started to regain control...I tried to keep dreaming, but I couldn't. When I woke, I still remembered how it felt to kiss his lips and to be pregnant...even now, I don't remember the feeling, but I remember that I did feel it and was happy...and part of me misses it. I didn't want kids, but after that dream, I want my baby...in the dream, we were going to have a little girl...we were so happy! I want that to have been a vision so badly! But I wasn't in a good and stable place at the time...I was still angry and bitter, so I couldn't tell f it was a dream or vision...but I do know I wasn't guiding or controlling the dream...and it was sooooooooo real.
After the dream, I wanted to trust in what God said...but I was scared. I needed a sign that left no room for doubt...or at least, I needed to know there was still hope and at least a small part of him still loved me or wanted me...I talked to God and told him before I made my decision, I needed to know...so I texted Lionel and told him I wanted to have a serious talk...he said about what. I told him it would be short, and really it was just one question. I told him I wouldn't talk about our past...and he ended up calling me. I thought we would talk later, so I wasn't prepared...but I saw a possible glimmer of hope...I asked him if at least a small part of him still loved me. he said he would always love me, but I knew he meant as a friend...it was hard to get the question out, knowing he had a girlfriend. I asked him as more than a friend, and he said he think he understands what I was asking, but couldn't answer it because it was wrong...........so finally, I asked if he was all the way over me, and he said he's over his exes once he goes out with another girl and stuff....and he said you never know what will happen in the future...because he didn't shoot down the possibility of us getting back together, I saw some hope and was better prepared to trust what God told me.
Then later that night....last night.............I was cussing in a text...he was a little concerned that I didn't care about anything anymore...and eventually, he asked me to send him a pic. I said of what, and he said my feet....he's a foot person. I did and he said he was just seeing if I really would do it...eventually he asked for another pic, and I sent 2 of my chest, and then called him. He was still acting like he was just testing me, but he started saying other stuff...and at one point even said if I was there he would be sucking on my toes if I would let him...and it didn't get super nasty, but it did get worse...but then he ended up getting off the phone.
Last night proved he was at the least still attracted to me. We did something similar the week before he started dating that girl.........and then this morning, he started talking nasty again through texts................I was so happy and felt that maybe he would come back to me.....but then before we got too much into it, I asked him what he was doing, and he said texting Kierra........................and I felt like I was his damn hoe on the side or something....I decided to trust what God said....and I do have high hopes that those two will break up and I will be back with him..............but a tiny part of me still is scared it will all mess up...and part of me wants him to want me so much that either I end up visiting him or he comes and visits me, and we mess around some.....then, there is no denying that we might end up together....I know it would be cheating on his end, but hell, he's already cheated.........and I want him to go further with me....so that they'll break up and I can have my boyfriend back.....and we can work things out and get married...
But part of me still doesn't care about shit. I'm looking out for myself and I want what I want. Even if it means messing with a committed man, I don't care...I never was a girl that would do this....I loved him, but if he was taken, I would wait and just be hurt.................but now...I don't care. I want him................and I want to just take him......even if it makes me look like a dirty hoe, I want to take him back!
But that's not what God said......He wants me to be patient, so I'm trying to be a friend and be supportive and shit, but it's hard seeing the man you love with another fucking woman.....and on top of that, he wont let me go.....and on top of that, God says it will work out and to be patient and we will end up married and stuff........but HE'S WITH ANOTHER WOMAN RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How am I going to be patient! It's been 4 years.....we've been together, messed around, loved each other, but he hasn't taken me back.............I'm tired of it all....and I just want him to finally chose me! It's so hard....but I trust what God says, and I will wait for Lionel to come back to me.....but it's still hard...
After the dream, I wanted to trust in what God said...but I was scared. I needed a sign that left no room for doubt...or at least, I needed to know there was still hope and at least a small part of him still loved me or wanted me...I talked to God and told him before I made my decision, I needed to know...so I texted Lionel and told him I wanted to have a serious talk...he said about what. I told him it would be short, and really it was just one question. I told him I wouldn't talk about our past...and he ended up calling me. I thought we would talk later, so I wasn't prepared...but I saw a possible glimmer of hope...I asked him if at least a small part of him still loved me. he said he would always love me, but I knew he meant as a friend...it was hard to get the question out, knowing he had a girlfriend. I asked him as more than a friend, and he said he think he understands what I was asking, but couldn't answer it because it was wrong...........so finally, I asked if he was all the way over me, and he said he's over his exes once he goes out with another girl and stuff....and he said you never know what will happen in the future...because he didn't shoot down the possibility of us getting back together, I saw some hope and was better prepared to trust what God told me.
Then later that night....last night.............I was cussing in a text...he was a little concerned that I didn't care about anything anymore...and eventually, he asked me to send him a pic. I said of what, and he said my feet....he's a foot person. I did and he said he was just seeing if I really would do it...eventually he asked for another pic, and I sent 2 of my chest, and then called him. He was still acting like he was just testing me, but he started saying other stuff...and at one point even said if I was there he would be sucking on my toes if I would let him...and it didn't get super nasty, but it did get worse...but then he ended up getting off the phone.
Last night proved he was at the least still attracted to me. We did something similar the week before he started dating that girl.........and then this morning, he started talking nasty again through texts................I was so happy and felt that maybe he would come back to me.....but then before we got too much into it, I asked him what he was doing, and he said texting Kierra........................and I felt like I was his damn hoe on the side or something....I decided to trust what God said....and I do have high hopes that those two will break up and I will be back with him..............but a tiny part of me still is scared it will all mess up...and part of me wants him to want me so much that either I end up visiting him or he comes and visits me, and we mess around some.....then, there is no denying that we might end up together....I know it would be cheating on his end, but hell, he's already cheated.........and I want him to go further with me....so that they'll break up and I can have my boyfriend back.....and we can work things out and get married...
But part of me still doesn't care about shit. I'm looking out for myself and I want what I want. Even if it means messing with a committed man, I don't care...I never was a girl that would do this....I loved him, but if he was taken, I would wait and just be hurt.................but now...I don't care. I want him................and I want to just take him......even if it makes me look like a dirty hoe, I want to take him back!
But that's not what God said......He wants me to be patient, so I'm trying to be a friend and be supportive and shit, but it's hard seeing the man you love with another fucking woman.....and on top of that, he wont let me go.....and on top of that, God says it will work out and to be patient and we will end up married and stuff........but HE'S WITH ANOTHER WOMAN RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How am I going to be patient! It's been 4 years.....we've been together, messed around, loved each other, but he hasn't taken me back.............I'm tired of it all....and I just want him to finally chose me! It's so hard....but I trust what God says, and I will wait for Lionel to come back to me.....but it's still hard...
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