All of my firsts are ruined. My first kiss...my first hickey....the first guy to see, touch, lick, & etc my body...my virginity....the first "guy part" I've seen.......it was taken by my rapist. Then my ex was my first love...and so much more. The first guy I ever trusted with my heart...the guy me, his family, my family, and friends of his family thought was going to marry me......the only guy I trusted when he said everything will be ok, he wont hurt me, he wont leave me, he was in love with me, & etc............but then he left me....and he didn't want to take me back.......
I really wish I could do something...to make all my pain stop. I just took 2 Naproxen and one of my pills for acid reflux. I'm supposed to take one of each 2ce a day, so it's fine. I could have easily taken more though. And I haven't been taking my Naproxen anyway....so it's fine...but I sorta want to make it stop...I wish I had something that could numb it all. It's not fair. It's not fair at all.
And I'm overweight now too. Nobody will find me attractive. Now even my ex wanted me back, and although he says I'm beautiful and he would never even think of breaking up with me because of my weight (and he's dated a skinnier girl than I used to be and a girl that's about my size now...), I still tell myself it had something to do with that.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just not supposed to want anything. Everything I want is ruined. When I have no hope and don't wish for anything, life is bearable...but time I start getting my hopes up, things become hard. Maybe I should just expect bad things, and if anything good happens, I will appreciate it, but I wont get my hopes up at all.
Idk what to do, feel, or whatever. Idk.