I'm not doing good anymore. I'm holding back the depression and tears, but I want to cry. I cant cry though, so...............I wish I could disappear and be by myself with this song on repeat (I'm listening to "Dirty Laundry" by Kelly Rowland)....her song is a different kind of abuse than I went through, but it's all the same pain. 
Why do I have to keep trying. I should just stop feeling. I should let myself go completely numb instead of going back and forth between pain and void-nothingness. 
Is this the life of a survivor or am I still in the stages of being a victim? Am I a survivor or a victim? 
Either way, I'm tired of being strong.
Lord knows I'm tired and wish it would all go away.........I really want to take pills right now....but I can't..........................but I want to.......I want to find some pills to take......and I wish I could get some alcohol....I don't drink, but I have tasted it before, and I love it when it's strong and loosens me up...but I hate straight alcohol (I like wine).....
And people will never know....or at least for now. They don't know my dirty little secret....the things I been through and what it's made me into.....people don't know and they will never know.......................it sucks....but that's my life. It's almost 11......almost time for me to go back to being "happy". I get tired of being separated from how I really feel and I'm tired of feeling..............I need to either go completely numb, or give all my feelings away or something......
Whatever though.......I dont care anymore....at least for now I don't :< So angry. Life sucks right now.