rant
I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I feel worthless. I feel ugly. I'm angry and want it all to end...but I have to keep living everyday. I wish I could go back to how I was before. At least look the way I did before. After all this time, I am still a size 16. I would pay money....I would risk my life to get back down to even a size 12 or 13! If God helped me get down to a 10 again before the end of the year (or even a 11 or 12 or 13), I would never complain about my weight again, and would work hard to stay at that healthy weight.
Also..........I miss my ex.....I feel like crying.......I was so in love with him. I put up with so much, and we grew so much......but he didn't want me anymore. Even still, I fought for us, and we stayed friends. As friends, I kept hope that we could get back together, but it's obvious that wasn't going to happen. I recognized that he was a negative soul tie....and finally, I let him go completely...and I did it in a way that he wouldn't talk to me again either. It's been 2 or 3 weeks since I told him he was a negative soul tie and that I wasn't talking to him again.....I've looked at his pics on facebook, but I haven't called or messaged him, nor has he contacted me at all.I wish I could move on....but part of me is still hurt so much by the way my life has played out so far...I even have a crush on a guy, but would never go that rout. He's younger than me...and I think he might have a girlfriend (idk)....and he probably (more than likely) does not look at me in that way at all. You know...even when I'm dressed up with make-up on, not 1 guy has ever, ever approached me and tried to talk to me. Even when I think I look cute, not 1 guy has tried talking to me......but of course, when I'm walking in a store or mall, there's a chance that some random guy (usually, but not always, ghetto, unattractive, or old) will confront me....and most of the time...no actually, all the time, all they want is sex. Just like when I was skinnier and sexier, all guys want from me is sex. The closest I have ever gotten to marriage was my ex, and sometimes I wonder if marriage is for me at all.....I am interested in marriage....LOL! I even know the ring I want and the dress and stuff.....but the right man.............he hasn't found me yet. I would like to marry a man of God....a minister or something, Idk..........I would like to, but I don't know if it's possible for me. I would like for him to be intelligent (smarter than me), talented (more than me), spiritual (someone I can grow and learn from), etc.........but right now....right now, I feel I would be lucky to find someone that likes me....and I would be SUPER lucky to find someone I am attracted to that likes me. Maybe I'm just not dating material....or girlfriend material...or marriage material. I worked so hard in being good to my exs and the guys I've talked to, but I'm never good enough. All they wanted was sex...and now that I'm not that sexy, thick (but skinny) girl I used to be....most guys don't even look at me in that way anymore. It sucks always being overlooked. It makes me want to lower my standards, but I can't...why should I...... I want to be happy and in love....why should I have to get rid of my standards? Besides, even guys that aren't my type, they haven't tried talking to me. There are at least 2 that seem (at times) like they may find me attractive, but even they haven't tried talking to me. I wouldn't like it if they did, because I'm not attracted to them...........but I'm sure someone, somewhere is. Just like how Im not all that attractive to most people....but somewhere, there is someone that I am at least a little attracted to, who is attracted to me...........out there, there is someone I can fall in love with, and he finds me attractive and likes me..........I just hope he finds me soon.....I'm tired of being so lonely.
I gave up on relationships for the rest of this year anyway............but still....knowing that someone out there likes me, and I think he's at least cute............that would be great...... :< But look at my life........I've been cheated on, raped, assaulted, harassed, threatened....I gained all this weight....the man I thought I was going to marry one day left me.......Im 24 years old, and still in college......I still live with my parents (when Im off campus)......dont even have a car......all my best friends left me..............really........what right do I have to dream of better? This is who I am. It's fine. :< Whatever....
I gotta go, so I guess this rant is over :l
Also..........I miss my ex.....I feel like crying.......I was so in love with him. I put up with so much, and we grew so much......but he didn't want me anymore. Even still, I fought for us, and we stayed friends. As friends, I kept hope that we could get back together, but it's obvious that wasn't going to happen. I recognized that he was a negative soul tie....and finally, I let him go completely...and I did it in a way that he wouldn't talk to me again either. It's been 2 or 3 weeks since I told him he was a negative soul tie and that I wasn't talking to him again.....I've looked at his pics on facebook, but I haven't called or messaged him, nor has he contacted me at all.I wish I could move on....but part of me is still hurt so much by the way my life has played out so far...I even have a crush on a guy, but would never go that rout. He's younger than me...and I think he might have a girlfriend (idk)....and he probably (more than likely) does not look at me in that way at all. You know...even when I'm dressed up with make-up on, not 1 guy has ever, ever approached me and tried to talk to me. Even when I think I look cute, not 1 guy has tried talking to me......but of course, when I'm walking in a store or mall, there's a chance that some random guy (usually, but not always, ghetto, unattractive, or old) will confront me....and most of the time...no actually, all the time, all they want is sex. Just like when I was skinnier and sexier, all guys want from me is sex. The closest I have ever gotten to marriage was my ex, and sometimes I wonder if marriage is for me at all.....I am interested in marriage....LOL! I even know the ring I want and the dress and stuff.....but the right man.............he hasn't found me yet. I would like to marry a man of God....a minister or something, Idk..........I would like to, but I don't know if it's possible for me. I would like for him to be intelligent (smarter than me), talented (more than me), spiritual (someone I can grow and learn from), etc.........but right now....right now, I feel I would be lucky to find someone that likes me....and I would be SUPER lucky to find someone I am attracted to that likes me. Maybe I'm just not dating material....or girlfriend material...or marriage material. I worked so hard in being good to my exs and the guys I've talked to, but I'm never good enough. All they wanted was sex...and now that I'm not that sexy, thick (but skinny) girl I used to be....most guys don't even look at me in that way anymore. It sucks always being overlooked. It makes me want to lower my standards, but I can't...why should I...... I want to be happy and in love....why should I have to get rid of my standards? Besides, even guys that aren't my type, they haven't tried talking to me. There are at least 2 that seem (at times) like they may find me attractive, but even they haven't tried talking to me. I wouldn't like it if they did, because I'm not attracted to them...........but I'm sure someone, somewhere is. Just like how Im not all that attractive to most people....but somewhere, there is someone that I am at least a little attracted to, who is attracted to me...........out there, there is someone I can fall in love with, and he finds me attractive and likes me..........I just hope he finds me soon.....I'm tired of being so lonely.
I gave up on relationships for the rest of this year anyway............but still....knowing that someone out there likes me, and I think he's at least cute............that would be great...... :< But look at my life........I've been cheated on, raped, assaulted, harassed, threatened....I gained all this weight....the man I thought I was going to marry one day left me.......Im 24 years old, and still in college......I still live with my parents (when Im off campus)......dont even have a car......all my best friends left me..............really........what right do I have to dream of better? This is who I am. It's fine. :< Whatever....
I gotta go, so I guess this rant is over :l
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