When will it be my turn to be happy? Yes, things are great now, but I'm lonely. Most of the time my loneliness is subconscious. Most of my feelings are subconscious. I push them away. I don't want them.......I wish I were just happy though.
I am going to start dating. The guys are closer to Alabama, so I can't start until after I go back next week. I was excited, but now I'm nervous. I feel like I'll be rejected. They all say I'm attractive, but I feel like I'm deceiving them....when they see me in real life, I feel like they wont like me. I'm overweight still (size 16) and I don't have the greatest clothes. I try to take care of myself, but I don't think I'm all that pretty. Sometimes I do feel a little attractive, but realistically, I know I'm not.
And even if I do find someone that likes me...that I'm attracted to.....even so, I have baggage. Morally, I don't want any guys to touch me in a sexual way, but I do crave being touched.......but I still cant kiss. And I refuse to have sex until marriage.......and even if I did have sex, it would be me letting him do what he wants for a little while, and if he's not finished, I'll make up an excuse to leave....and I'll always cry. Every time I have ever had sex, I always cried...I hate sex. I only want to do it after marriage, and only to please my husband....and only if I'm....in the mood (physically) - if you know what I mean. I would be perfectly happy if I never wanted to have sex. If I couldn't get.....you know....."aroused"....I would be happy if I couldn't. I truly do hate sex. It's overrated, and it's stupid.
Anyway...............I want a boyfriend. I want a my dream guy.....I'm tired of living my love-life through manga, anime, movies, tv dramas, and other media.....I want my own love life.......
I know that I'm a black cat...pretty unlucky...I know that the guy would have to deal with my baggage....but I have always tried to be my best. I always tried to be the best girlfriend I could be. I would put my own happiness to the side, just to make him happy. But I still ended up alone. Now...I find it hard to trust, and I don't have much self-esteem. I don't have much to offer a man anymore........and I'm still pretty inexperienced in a lot of things. I'm a quick learner, and I would do almost anything...and I would put up with almost anything to be loved and be in love........but at the same time, I really want to be happy........
When will it be my turn to be happy?
I am going to start dating. The guys are closer to Alabama, so I can't start until after I go back next week. I was excited, but now I'm nervous. I feel like I'll be rejected. They all say I'm attractive, but I feel like I'm deceiving them....when they see me in real life, I feel like they wont like me. I'm overweight still (size 16) and I don't have the greatest clothes. I try to take care of myself, but I don't think I'm all that pretty. Sometimes I do feel a little attractive, but realistically, I know I'm not.
And even if I do find someone that likes me...that I'm attracted to.....even so, I have baggage. Morally, I don't want any guys to touch me in a sexual way, but I do crave being touched.......but I still cant kiss. And I refuse to have sex until marriage.......and even if I did have sex, it would be me letting him do what he wants for a little while, and if he's not finished, I'll make up an excuse to leave....and I'll always cry. Every time I have ever had sex, I always cried...I hate sex. I only want to do it after marriage, and only to please my husband....and only if I'm....in the mood (physically) - if you know what I mean. I would be perfectly happy if I never wanted to have sex. If I couldn't get.....you know....."aroused"....I would be happy if I couldn't. I truly do hate sex. It's overrated, and it's stupid.
Anyway...............I want a boyfriend. I want a my dream guy.....I'm tired of living my love-life through manga, anime, movies, tv dramas, and other media.....I want my own love life.......
I know that I'm a black cat...pretty unlucky...I know that the guy would have to deal with my baggage....but I have always tried to be my best. I always tried to be the best girlfriend I could be. I would put my own happiness to the side, just to make him happy. But I still ended up alone. Now...I find it hard to trust, and I don't have much self-esteem. I don't have much to offer a man anymore........and I'm still pretty inexperienced in a lot of things. I'm a quick learner, and I would do almost anything...and I would put up with almost anything to be loved and be in love........but at the same time, I really want to be happy........
When will it be my turn to be happy?
Replies