Why doesn't anyone like me? If I am so attractive, then why haven't I had a boyfriend in over 2....almost 3 years? And the guy that I did have...if I am "wife material" why would you not want to be with me? It's as if everyone leaves me. I'm good for the moment....but not good enough to cherish. I want to be in love...but maybe it's pointless. I want real friends, but it just isn't working out. I try to be more outgoing, but it just hurts, and it makes me want to hide forever.
Maybe this is who I am....a drifter. Maybe I'm not supposed to settle down and have best friends or a boyfriend.....or a husband........or a family. I don't even want kids now. As much hurt as I have felt, why would I want to have kids, knowing the possibility of them being hurt too...less so or more so.
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. I wish I were born in a more wealthy family...better neighborhoods....maybe a different race (but I do like being my color)...longer hair......more beautiful..........skinnier......a better voice.......................just better. Then, I'd probably be out of school, married, with friends, a good career, and maybe even a family on the way (if I don't already have one).
Sometimes I wish I could give up.......but I never do.
Why do I keep trying to be better and waiting for this great life, that has yet to show up? I'm waiting for friends, when no matter what, I am always just an associate or friends until school ends. I'm waiting and waiting.....and have waited so long, for this guy that is beautiful to me, both inside and out, talented, respectful, loving, kind, etc.....I'm waiting for him, but he never shows up. Why?
What about me isn't good enough? Why am I never good enough?
I'm tired......and quite frankly, I don't know how to interact with others anymore. I'm scared.....and I fake it. I try to stay in the moment and just be me.....or who I think I am.....but sometimes....a lot of times, I just want to be alone and hide. A lot of times, I want to give up and walk away.
I'm in a good place, surrounded by good people......we're like a family........but this place isn't the first. I've had plenty of "families" and been surrounded by plenty of "good people" and they aren't here anymore.
And I foolishly set up ANOTHER dating profile. This time, it's with Christian Mingle. This time, I wont be scared to date.........but it's been 3 days, and only 6 people have viewed me, 2 or 3 were old, and only 1 or 2 had a picture. And worse of all, they only viewed me. No messages, no smiles.........nothing. I sent a smile, and I saw that one was online.....but he hasn't replied yet.....if he does. Plus, a lot of the attractive guys prefer their ethnicity, Hispanics, Asians, Whites, and whatever else, but not even 1 time have I seen an attractive guy specifically put down blacks. There were some that didn't have an ethnic preference up, but still.......I feel like I wont be too lucky with this site. Also, most of the black guys I've seen are older or just not attractive to me. I want someone I'm attracted to, not just someone cute or sexy or beautiful. I need someone I FIND VERY BEAUTIFUL and attractive.
I need to stop this useless venting.
Nothing will change because of it, so goodbye. I'm glad I got this off my chest........even if just a little.
Maybe this is who I am....a drifter. Maybe I'm not supposed to settle down and have best friends or a boyfriend.....or a husband........or a family. I don't even want kids now. As much hurt as I have felt, why would I want to have kids, knowing the possibility of them being hurt too...less so or more so.
Sometimes I wish I were someone else. I wish I were born in a more wealthy family...better neighborhoods....maybe a different race (but I do like being my color)...longer hair......more beautiful..........skinnier......a better voice.......................just better. Then, I'd probably be out of school, married, with friends, a good career, and maybe even a family on the way (if I don't already have one).
Sometimes I wish I could give up.......but I never do.
Why do I keep trying to be better and waiting for this great life, that has yet to show up? I'm waiting for friends, when no matter what, I am always just an associate or friends until school ends. I'm waiting and waiting.....and have waited so long, for this guy that is beautiful to me, both inside and out, talented, respectful, loving, kind, etc.....I'm waiting for him, but he never shows up. Why?
What about me isn't good enough? Why am I never good enough?
I'm tired......and quite frankly, I don't know how to interact with others anymore. I'm scared.....and I fake it. I try to stay in the moment and just be me.....or who I think I am.....but sometimes....a lot of times, I just want to be alone and hide. A lot of times, I want to give up and walk away.
I'm in a good place, surrounded by good people......we're like a family........but this place isn't the first. I've had plenty of "families" and been surrounded by plenty of "good people" and they aren't here anymore.
And I foolishly set up ANOTHER dating profile. This time, it's with Christian Mingle. This time, I wont be scared to date.........but it's been 3 days, and only 6 people have viewed me, 2 or 3 were old, and only 1 or 2 had a picture. And worse of all, they only viewed me. No messages, no smiles.........nothing. I sent a smile, and I saw that one was online.....but he hasn't replied yet.....if he does. Plus, a lot of the attractive guys prefer their ethnicity, Hispanics, Asians, Whites, and whatever else, but not even 1 time have I seen an attractive guy specifically put down blacks. There were some that didn't have an ethnic preference up, but still.......I feel like I wont be too lucky with this site. Also, most of the black guys I've seen are older or just not attractive to me. I want someone I'm attracted to, not just someone cute or sexy or beautiful. I need someone I FIND VERY BEAUTIFUL and attractive.
I need to stop this useless venting.
Nothing will change because of it, so goodbye. I'm glad I got this off my chest........even if just a little.
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