I'm scared to feel and scared to go numb...what am I supposed to do? Right now, I want a great family relationship, good friends, a great boyfriend, and to do good in school, but the more I don't get those things, the more I give up and want to settle for whatever I do have. I want to be my best, but I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to have to work hard anymore. I feel like, because of all the effort I've put into living, things should just go right from now on. I know that's an unrealistic way of thinking, but that's how I feel. I want things to be right. My family, we're ok. I still feel like we can be better though. My school and gifts, I'm getting better and doing good, but I want to be my best. I have friends...but only the kind that are close to ome in class and whenever we see each other (only some of them)...but I don't have anybody that I talk on the phone with or hang out with. I'm getting closer to some, but I still don't have that real support system (the one found in friendship) that I need. Also...I feel a bit love-sick. Part of me feels as if it is craving....no starving for love. Part of me NEEDS to be in love, but another part of me is giving up. My heart aches at the thought that I may never find the one....or "a" one, at least. I'm sad, but I don't show it. Most of the time, all I do is either smile or give a blank stare. I have been asked if I ever get angry or sad or anything by more than one instructor. I am getting to a point where I have to fake emotion or exaggerate the feelings I do have in order to seem even slightly normal.
Sometimes I feel like....actually, I wish, that I could be alone. Have my own place, enough money to support me the rest of my life, a dog and maybe a cat, cable, internet, a car, and I'll be happy. I can stay inside and watch tv or play games for the rest of my life. Sometimes I can go out driving, or go to the store to pick up groceries and/or snacks. I take my dogs for walks. I have a large yard that I can play with them in. My neighbors are all busy people, so if they ever are out side when I am, they don't really notice me. I have enough clothes, and I don't have to worry about how I look. If I'm ugly or pretty, it doesn't matter. In this world, Im all alone, and I don't need anyone. I have everything or access to anything I could ever want. I can not care about anything or anyone, and it wouldn't matter. I wouldn't need any real feelings, just enough to care for any pets I have.
A life like that would be sad but perfect. I know it's unrealistic, and I know we humans are not made to live alone, but I sometimes wish that things were that simple and pain-free. I don't want to do, I'm glad I was born, but I don't want anymore hardships, struggle, or unfairness. I just want to be happy, but it's like the longer I live, the harder it is to be truly happy.
Of course I still have hope though. And I still dream. maybe things will get better one day (hopefully one day very, very, VERY soon).