tired

So...maybe it was my fault why we didn't workout. And even so, why can't I get over him? It's going on 2 years (in 3 months), and I still cry over him. He doesn't want a relationship....why can't I stop reading so much into it? He even talked other girls...he was single and had every right...still why does it hurt so much. I deserve it anyway...even though we were single and broken up completely, I was the first to...well, basically, I went to a guy's house and when he started touching on me and stuff, instead of stopping him, I let him keep on. I let him have sex with me. Honestly, I was scared....but that's a whole-nother story. I called him in tears, telling him about it. I needed to talk to someone, and when he heard that I had sex with another man, he started acting weird. I knew I made a mistake in telling him. Afterwards is when he ended up talking to another girl. They 4-played...and he said he would've had sex with her if he had a condom...I just found out today, he even called her baby. One of the things that hurts me most is that he kissed her. It took a lot for me to trust him enough to kiss him. It's hard for me to kiss anyone, and I hold that as something really special and sacred...and yet he so easily kissed her. He says it was a year ago and he was horny. He says there's nothing behind it, but it's so hard for me to except what has happened to us. I'm tired of crying, and I'm ready to be over him. But he says he still loves me. But how can he love me and not want to be with me? Why can't something go right for once? Why can't I be so special that he can't ever imagine being with anyone else...why can't I be the one for him......for someone. I'm tired of trusting people just for them to turn around and hurt me. I have no real friends. I don't trust these new girls I made friends with. My other classmates are just associates.  All my old friends are gone. I'm not even close to anyone in my family anymore. My relationship with my parents and brother is a little better, but it still feels awkward at times. All I want is stability and happiness. Is that too much to ask?????? I'm tired of crying. I'm so tired of crying.