I was thinking today.......life is pretty long isn't it............I don't have any death wish anymore, but I do wonder sometimes, what it would be like not to have a long life............would it be so bad to graduate, get my ministry/organization started, have a successful career in the arts, be happy, and then go to sleep and never wake up again.......Would that be so bad? I don't think it would.....at least not for me, but for those I leave behind, I bet that would be hard. I wonder how they would feel if I was gone. That's the only thing that keeps me wanting to keep pushing forward.....that and the fact that God put me here in this life for a reason. I wonder how long will I have to push myself to be happy. When will things just be good. I want so badly to be loved (and be in love), to have best friends, to be close to family....and it's in reach, all of it, but there's a part of me that regrets every time I get closer to people. There's a part of me that just wants to be left alone........there's a part of me that still feels like giving up. That way, nobody can hurt me ever again. by my (at the time) friends and even my "best friends" I've been deceived, used, stabbed in the back, almost assaulted, and left behind. By associates and those I thought I could be friends with, I've been lied on, talked about, raped, assaulted, laughed at...and even by those I loved, I've been cheated on, betrayed, and left. Then the one person I thought would never ever leave me.....he promised, and he told me that nothing would ever change how he feels about me......the only one I've ever truly been in loved with, when he got mad, he used to say whatever he thought of to hurt me.....he finally stopped and got better, but then he started talking to me less and less....I felt neglected....he finally stopped that too, but then after all our ups and downs, instead of trying to fix it, he said he wanted to see other people. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him, and he doesn't want me anymore. It's stupid, I'm still crying about it, and it's been a year and almost 7 months. He says "maybe" we'll end up back together. He says he loves me, but he wants to be single right now. We're even talking and supposedly have started over, but I don't think he's serious about it. This is my life. If it's not one thing, it's another. At least I'm stronger because of it all.....but at the same time, I don't want to love anyone ever again. I'm scared of falling in love, and I'm scared of trusting others. I have friends, but I don't want to get too close to them....not the guys nor the girls. I want to date, but I don't want a relationship again. Sometimes I think if I have to fall in love, it should be with a bad guy, so I know that even though he says he loves me, he really doesn't. That way, when he betrays me, it wont hurt as much. I never opened up to anyone the way I have opened up to my ex. Now I regret it all. I regret trusting him and loving him. I regret all the wonderful memories I made with him. I regret it all. I regret ever giving him a chance. I never should have let my guard down, and wont ever make that mistake again. Even if we do get back together, how can I ever trust him again? Stuff like this makes me want to get whatever I'm called to do in life over so it can finally end. Why does life have to be so long? Why does pain have to keep coming back? And every time it does, why does the hurt last longer than before? It's not fair..........when will things come together and get easier?