I am fifteen and a half hours away from my exam and despite revising since September for it...I feel so unprepared. I don't think I know anything and I'm sure I'm going to fail.
On a separate note...I've decided to let go of any and all expectations I have of anybody. I cannot depend on anyone else as much as I can depend on myself. This sounds sad, but it also means I cannot be disappointed. I know my mother will never step up for me, my counsellor said in one of my later sessions that it may be because I look like my biological father, and he abused my mother. So she is treating me as she would treat him, displaced latent anger. It kind of makes sense. She prefers my sister who looks nothing like him. Maybe that's why my stepfather felt it was ok to do what he did to me, but not my sister (according to her, nothing has ever happened to her.)
My stepfather was friends with my biological father before he and my mother got divorced. Looking back, I think that there was something going on with them before the split. I remember my mother having other 'friends' come visit her when my bio father went away on fishing trips...one in particular came around a lot and I always felt uneasy around him...myabe I knew even at a young age that there was something wrong with my mother's 'friendship' with this man.
My mother led me to believe I was the one that gave her the courage to go...maybe it was, or maybe it was stepfather whispering in the wings, controlling her even then. She also told me that it was me that got him and her together, that I match made them. Looking back, I'm not so sure. I think she used that as a justification for getting together with him as soon as she did. The day after we moved in with my grandparents, he came to visit her. She said it was because my bio father sent him to persuade her to come back. I spoke to my bio father about this when I was pregnant. He did no such thing. He also alluded to the fact there was something going on before she left him, asking me if I knew anything about before she left. I said no, and he dropped it and refused to elaborate.
I'm not a stupid girl, I can put the pieces together. Part of me wonders if my sister is actually my full sister. Might be another reason she and I are treated differently...That one is pure speculation. I have no way of finding out without a DNA test. It is so so tempting though...it would make so many things clear.
Babbling now as it is late for me (23:21) and I am tired. Here's hoping for a dreamless sleep.
On a separate note...I've decided to let go of any and all expectations I have of anybody. I cannot depend on anyone else as much as I can depend on myself. This sounds sad, but it also means I cannot be disappointed. I know my mother will never step up for me, my counsellor said in one of my later sessions that it may be because I look like my biological father, and he abused my mother. So she is treating me as she would treat him, displaced latent anger. It kind of makes sense. She prefers my sister who looks nothing like him. Maybe that's why my stepfather felt it was ok to do what he did to me, but not my sister (according to her, nothing has ever happened to her.)
My stepfather was friends with my biological father before he and my mother got divorced. Looking back, I think that there was something going on with them before the split. I remember my mother having other 'friends' come visit her when my bio father went away on fishing trips...one in particular came around a lot and I always felt uneasy around him...myabe I knew even at a young age that there was something wrong with my mother's 'friendship' with this man.
My mother led me to believe I was the one that gave her the courage to go...maybe it was, or maybe it was stepfather whispering in the wings, controlling her even then. She also told me that it was me that got him and her together, that I match made them. Looking back, I'm not so sure. I think she used that as a justification for getting together with him as soon as she did. The day after we moved in with my grandparents, he came to visit her. She said it was because my bio father sent him to persuade her to come back. I spoke to my bio father about this when I was pregnant. He did no such thing. He also alluded to the fact there was something going on before she left him, asking me if I knew anything about before she left. I said no, and he dropped it and refused to elaborate.
I'm not a stupid girl, I can put the pieces together. Part of me wonders if my sister is actually my full sister. Might be another reason she and I are treated differently...That one is pure speculation. I have no way of finding out without a DNA test. It is so so tempting though...it would make so many things clear.
Babbling now as it is late for me (23:21) and I am tired. Here's hoping for a dreamless sleep.
Replies