"I'm outta money outta hope it looks like self destruction Well how much more can we take with all of this corruption"
From Molly Hatchet's, "Flirtin' With Disaster"
 
yep that's me alright. I know a certain somebody who will probably get out a combat boot for this, but here it goes anyway.
I really feel like i am on the edge again. Not really certain which way i will fall. Self destruction, or growth and healing? Actually, growth and healing sound rather painful to me. Of all of the suicide preventative web sites out there, most seem to focus on the idea of suicide is simply that a person is at a point that they can no longer deal with the pain of living. While that is true enough, it seems to suggest that "the pain of living" is all of the things that are currently going on in that persons life. Not much is said about the idea that the memories of the past are too painful to bear. People often say, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger". But what if it does kill you? to be honest if there were a pill that could in some way seek out a certain memory, and delete it from your memory... OH JOY!!! i would take that pill so fast it would make your head spin!!! Sadly there is no such pill... well no such pill that would do the job elegantly. There is the "lead pill" which is administered with great velocity into the brain. The selected memory is guaranteed to be deleted, but with the unfortunate side effect of death... but the memory would be gone...
There is a story that i read when i was in grade school. I cannot remember the author or the title, but i do remember the story. It was basically about creating cultural equality by forcing everyone to live at a lower, but equal standard. This was accomplished in a number of ways. If you were beautiful you had to were a mask. If you were fast or strong, you had to were weights, and if you were smart... well you had a chip implanted in your brain that would scramble your thoughts every minute or so. I sometimes feel like the father in this story who has the chip implanted in his brain. I just can not concentrate on any one thing for too long. unless... unless... it is that god awful memory. For some reason, my chip does nothing to scramble that memory. Actually i think that my chip IS that memory. Its the memory that scrambles everything.
Speaking of scrambled, I have no clue as to where i am going with this rant. The only thing that i know for sure is that surviving with this memory SUCKS!!!!
Just a thought for future, more advanced civilization. I have an idea for a new punishment for this type of crime. Remove the memory from the victim and place it in the head of the perpetrator. If the people protest calling it "cruel and unusual punishment", I would just scream back, "YOU THINK"?

Replies

good2go2001
good2go2001

Wow you should invent that pill to take away all the horrible memories lol youd be rich! I used to deal with just stuffing all the horrible memories deeper inside myself but then they decided to explode to the surface when i turned 40 for some reason grrrrr sucks gettin older lol. Hope you can find a way to have peace with the past and look for an awesome future... not easy im working on this myself.