today at my therapy session; We talked about a lot of stuff, we did run out of time before we could really talk about my dream, but we talked about a lot of other important things. Such as, my tendency to not want to do as i'm told. The idea that it may stem from the abuse since during the whole thing he told me what to do and i did it. Nowadays if someone tells me to do something, and i already have an idea to do something differant or even do the same thing but differently... I get very tunnell visioned, my brain just refuses to think through the other possibilities, and i just get very stubborn and i just don't want to do it for no better reason that because you told me to do it. I have seen myself do that so often. It was uncanny how she just started talking about that type of reaction semingly out of nowhere.The other thing we talked about is having a sence of "self". Being able to believe that i deserve to take up a certain amount of space, that my opinions matter, and doing the things that i like doing matter. Right now i am so the opposite of that. I will sacrafice everything that i want, or need, to make sure that someone eles is happy or taken care of. Part of behavior of mine is exibited here of all places. For instance, sometimes i have a little something bothering me, i will not post it in the main group because i feel like it distracts and takes away focus from other people who may be in need at that time. Or here in my journal, i tend to limit the way that i would like to write. You see i have two writing styles ( if you can call my writing a style), one is like you see here. To the point, minimelist, sort of like the style that you would find in a text book. The other, is more focused on imagedry. It would be more like the type of style that you would find in your favorate fiction book. ( in my case Sci-Fi and or Fantasy). The second type of writing takes up a lot of room and makes me feel like i am being very self absorbed. Of course that brought us to another point that we spoke about in the session. My feeling like i have a lack of emotion. When she read that letter that i wrote to my abuser, one of her first questions was, "did it feel like you were writing it in the 3rd person?" The answere was a wholeharted "yes!" She then pointed out that she felt like there was emotion in there, but it was a more controlled, and civilized emotion. I did not just let it out. I kind of felt the same way, but when i wrote it that is how i "felt". I'm sure that if i chose to i could write one humdinger of a letter, full of raw emotion. The type of letter that would be sure to pluck the heart strings and draw a tear. But would it be real? I dont think so. Maybe that is also why i dont use that second style of writing. Maybe i feel like i would fall into the trap of "pushing" a certain emotion for the sake of art instead of for the sake of being honest with myself. Ok, i just figured that one out. But what if.... what if by using a more artful style of writing would help me get intouch with the feeling that i seem to think that i don't posess? What if the emotions that i feel are lies really are not?I think that i will have to try writing both ways. Perhaps i will put a header at the top of the journal, saying whether or not this is writen in a documentary style or in a artful style. That should prove to be an interesting experament.I've been feeling very on edge latley. My wife and i are having problems off and on. I feel the increadible urge to just crawl back within myself and forget about the world. I try to resist it as much as i can, but it is very noticeable to her. She often feels like i just dont want to be with her. It ofcourse does not help any to tell her that it's not that i dont want to be with you, I just dont want to be with anyone. I have not told her that. I really do think that that statement would send her over the brink and right into a divorce attorny's office. The truth, is that i am more upset about not being able to get upset about stuff. Or to feel that personal connection with another human. i know this sounds harsh, but if my best friend were to move to another city... i probably would never call him again. Not from anger or feeling of betrayel, not from any sort of felling really. I would not call, just because i would not think to call. I have NO personal connections with anyone. I feel closest to my wife. I do have feeling for her. I would do anything for her, but if you analize the way that i behave with regards to how it involves her. You would find that I dont put any emotion into this relationship. Very little forthought, goes into how to come up with different ways that we can do things together. I really do love her, but i cant seem to show her, in the little ways. All i ever really want to do is "turn off". Read a book, daydream, sleep, any form of escapeisim. Its not to get away from her, its to get away from me. I don't think i like me very much. I really do wish that i were different from who i am. I wish that nobody counted on me, so that i would not have to let everybody down. You see right there. the last two things that i just wrote. I am always battleing between polar opposites. Sometimes i want to be better than who I am, so that people will be proud of me, and my wife could have a stable and strong husband. And then sometimes i wish that i were invisable, no one relied on me, no one needed me, no one loved me, nobody cared.Ha! here is a real life anology to that. I like to play online fantasy games sometimes. However when i do, i refuse to make any friends, or join any groups or guilds. I like to just go around doing my own thing and no one cares. Ofcourse in those cases i play the game for about a month or two and get board, and just kill of my character and quit. Spooky huh?Well thats all for now. I've got a lot to think about, a lot of ideas to try, and one more thing. I still feel like i've got to pick someone to tell my story to. In person. I still have done nothing towards that goal.Ok, by now.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

wow. FANTASTIC JOURNAL, Keith. just incredible. i\'m sorry i\'m only now just getting to it. you really CAN write. so what was this style - documentary or artful?

this entry wrung a lot of emotion out of me. nothing substantial, like crying, but just... well, i just went through a range of emotions reading this. i SO UNDERSTAND what you\'re going through. i really \'get it\' about not connecting to anyone - like your never speaking to your best friend again, if he moved away. i GET THAT. why is it so easy for us to let go of people we love, i was wondering? then i thought, it\'s not just people we love, it\'s anyone. we feel (or don\'t feel) the same about everyone. sure, maybe you feel a little more for your wife and son, but in the grand scheme of things - do you? i\'m not asking this to be mean or anything. Lord knows how much you LOVE your family; it\'s very evident when you speak of them. gosh, i\'m rambling here. sorry.

i\'m in a weird mood, i guess. i just wanted to let you know that i totally \'get\' your personality. i don\'t understand it, but i \'get\' it. i\'m sorry it\'s causing so much trouble btw you and D.

what\'s your relationship like with you and D (your son)? just curious...

((((hugs))))
tazgore
tazgore

To me that one was written more in the documentary style. I still as of yet have not written anything with an artful style. I have\'nt done it in so long that it\'s proving to be more difficult than i had thought.

My Son is a bit like me in the area of liking to be alone a lot, but he also seems to do very well in large crowds, and he interacts well with strangers.
Now between him and i? well, we get along very well, but i do wish that my schedule would allow me to take him to the skate park, or fishing, or stuff like that. One of the real hard parts about that is that my wife hates to go to those types of places.
Thanks reading my journal Jo.... and getting it. Sometmes i just feel like i\'m just this alien thing that no one gets.