My wife got some good news two days ago. She has been offered a job at the Humane Society of Louisiana. She could not remember the job title, but its the Director of (Coordinating volenteers, and all fund raisers). She is so happy about this. She has been volenteering there since April, and she has already raised a ton of money for the Humane Society. This type of work is right up her ally. She gets to help animals and everyone she is contact with appreciates her efforts. Win win for her. Her salery is sort of up to her... she makes a percentage of what she raises, so she could end up actually makeing more than me which is fantastic. Now for the dark side. When she told me the news I was very happy and relieved (we have serious finacial problems), but not neccesarially for the reasons that seem obvious. In the back of my head i was thinking of the day where we catch up to our bills, and she makes more than me, she would be at that point self sufficeiant. She would not need me anymore and i would have no more moral obligations to this world. I could finally end it guilt free. I just need to hold on for a few more months... get her setup.This is what's going through my mind. What the hell is wrong with me? this weekend i purposfully stoped taking my meds so that i could get to that state where i would not chiken out on suicide. My wife could see the difference in me and watched while i took the meds again. So now here i am... "leveling" back out. yea right. Thinking of long term suicide plans, mixed with the urge to just get it over with right now, puting on the "happy face". I'm going to work. I'm trying to get things done, wich is still very hard for me escepcilly when i just don't see the point anymore. I just feel numb, and empty. A usless shell of a man who once had direction in life. If I would have never admited to the SA last year would i be in this mess right now? I feel like maybe it was the worst desicion of my life to open up my mouth and say what happened. I have friends her at DS who have tried to help me, and for there efforts i fear that i have made life worse for them. I am trully sorry for that. One of my friends said that i should thing of the things that i really want in my life other than death. Complete isolation from all people? I don't see that happening. Get into a wreck and live the rest of my life out in a comma? Really hard to orcastrait. i just don't know. I hate being a burden on people. Perhaps i should just delet my account here and stop wasting bandwith space on the DS server.