another flashback this morning. My day started at 4:30am. I got into the shower and turned on the water and just stood there. I stood there for about a half an hour doing nothing. just reliving, wondering why. I hate these images that flash through my mind. The pig farm... the pond... the field. Tall grass, weeds. I just want these memories to not exist. if I think about it to much i want to throw up. I know it wasnt my fault but still... I feel helpless; at fault; dirty; and unable to hold my head up high. I really do feel like throwing up.