Letting go
Today I am 1 day Gambling Free
Things were getting close to perfect so I sabotaged myself... Nice! Maybe I'm supposed to be this pathological gambler.... It's my life lesson and the story of my life.
After promising myself and my husband that this would not happen again....paid all my accounts and had my grocery money and dog food money left for the whole month. Everything was pretty simple....until the cravings started and the urges and whatever the hell you want to. But ultimately I cleaned out my bank account. The gut wrenching pain was too much and I wanted to end it. End it all, so that the pain could stop, so that my husband, my beautiful, gentle, caring human being, didn't have to endure this kind of torture. And then he got stuck on the highway with his car and interrupted my plans to end my life, by coming home two minutes before me. What's the odds? Perhaps better than gambling, that's for sure...
You know the feeling of waking around like a zombie, in a daze, too numb from the pain or the shock....a zombie, like resident evil;) Why were we supposed to go through this crap? Its not to make you stronger, My sister sent me a message: Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
So I smiled...felt the fog lift a little and then my crying turned into sobbing and then wailing and then full blown howling. Wtf? Why do I keep tormenting myself with this garbage. What is it that keeps you gambling? Hope? A real chance to win? Fear? An urge? What????????????????
Maybe, just maybe, I will count my blessings.
Thank you God for this gamble free, remorseful day, that you have given to me. Is it my chance to redeem myself? I haven't intentionally hurt anyone, or perhaps I have. I'm truly sorry now. I ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. Today I give myself permission for my biggest problem. Letting go.... I let go of all false hopes, false aspirations and false joy. Today I let go of all my pain, any bitterness I harbour towards myself or any living being...here and departed. I let go....knowing that when I let go...I can finally unburden myself, my soul, knowing that you have taken the reigns and will set me free. I let go knowing that when I do, you will send me the solutions. Today I pray that as I let go, you will protect me from all harm seen and unseen. Today I have let go. Please help me to fill this void with much love, laughter and joy so that there are no more open spaces to fill up with gambling or any insidious tricks us humans have created. Today, God, at this moment....I let go.
Things were getting close to perfect so I sabotaged myself... Nice! Maybe I'm supposed to be this pathological gambler.... It's my life lesson and the story of my life.
After promising myself and my husband that this would not happen again....paid all my accounts and had my grocery money and dog food money left for the whole month. Everything was pretty simple....until the cravings started and the urges and whatever the hell you want to. But ultimately I cleaned out my bank account. The gut wrenching pain was too much and I wanted to end it. End it all, so that the pain could stop, so that my husband, my beautiful, gentle, caring human being, didn't have to endure this kind of torture. And then he got stuck on the highway with his car and interrupted my plans to end my life, by coming home two minutes before me. What's the odds? Perhaps better than gambling, that's for sure...
You know the feeling of waking around like a zombie, in a daze, too numb from the pain or the shock....a zombie, like resident evil;) Why were we supposed to go through this crap? Its not to make you stronger, My sister sent me a message: Keep your head up. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers.
So I smiled...felt the fog lift a little and then my crying turned into sobbing and then wailing and then full blown howling. Wtf? Why do I keep tormenting myself with this garbage. What is it that keeps you gambling? Hope? A real chance to win? Fear? An urge? What????????????????
Maybe, just maybe, I will count my blessings.
Thank you God for this gamble free, remorseful day, that you have given to me. Is it my chance to redeem myself? I haven't intentionally hurt anyone, or perhaps I have. I'm truly sorry now. I ask for forgiveness and forgive myself. Today I give myself permission for my biggest problem. Letting go.... I let go of all false hopes, false aspirations and false joy. Today I let go of all my pain, any bitterness I harbour towards myself or any living being...here and departed. I let go....knowing that when I let go...I can finally unburden myself, my soul, knowing that you have taken the reigns and will set me free. I let go knowing that when I do, you will send me the solutions. Today I pray that as I let go, you will protect me from all harm seen and unseen. Today I have let go. Please help me to fill this void with much love, laughter and joy so that there are no more open spaces to fill up with gambling or any insidious tricks us humans have created. Today, God, at this moment....I let go.
Replies
Oh my,,, I hear you and feel your sorrow.... You are going to be alright... No matter how many times you fall, today is a new day for you to get up again and keep trying. Your God is with you on your journey, every step of the way. Everything is going to be alright. Ok?
i feel you 100% i chuckled a bit too at the howling part, its only money, you have your family appreciate that and get it going girl, i think this is it :)
I feel your pain and remorse, too. and of course I\'ve been there. you wrote a beautiful affirmation towards the end, and I hope you can copy and paste it somewhere so you can read it over and over again when you need it. hang in there one day at a time.