6 Months & Siding
Dear Fred: The past few weeks have been really weird for me. I hate to whine. I hate to feel weak. I hate most of all for the end of a day to come and I find I have accomplished nothing. At first I accepted that but now, 6 months down the road, I think I expect more of myself. I thought by now I would be feeling more stable and ready to actually establish and keep to a healthy routine. Wht a surprise the past few weeks have been.
Starting a few days before the 28th of September I found depression and inertia were becoming more chronic. Most of the time it didn't feel as intense as it had right after Nick died. It felt deeper, if that is possible. That empty painful cavity inside seems to have been filled now with a complete feeling of dispair. I tell myself this must be another one of those "normals" I have been hearing about. I also tell myself other women and men have suffered even greater losses than I and they have managed to go on and lead productive lives.
I suspect this back slide is due to a few factors. (1) At 6 months I am really really beginning to miss Nick. It really is time he came back. (2) the 28th of each month is difficult for me as it marks another month since he died. (3) This month, October, marks the "beginning of the end" for us. Last October was when he was told in error that he was still cancer free. 4 weeks later he thought he had the flue. 3 weeks after that he thought he had "tweaked" his back shoveling snow. Soon after that a pain developed under his clavicle and he could no long stand up straight. So, this month ushered in a mountain of horrible memories along with the cold snowy weather. I suspect these items have teamed up and I am finding I don't have the energy to fight them.
I started seeing a Grief Counselor and also attending the only local support group I could find. The support group is way toooooo Bible & faith based to really help. However, I am hoping along with the preaching they will also give some helping ideas for us heathens. The Grief Counselor seems very easy to talk with. I felt comfortable with her. However, part of me really questions what she can actually do to help me help myself.
I find I do not cry as often if I remember the not so good times Nick & I had. That is really awful of me & I hate even admitting it. When I think about how much I miss him and love him it could cry forever. All that does is give me red puffy eyes and a stuffy red swollen nose. I am really torn between following the path that helps me function or simply giving in to this ultimate sorrow. Somehow I hope I can find a midway point...... some way to feel good enough to still function but also address the real feelings that I have.
I am not sure what the answer is or where it lies but I certainly hope I find it one of these days. I hate being the Gloom of Doom all of the time. No one likes to hang around that. Not even me.
I have been through some pretty rough times before. I am not a stranger to them. However, I have never had this particular type of pain and true grief before. In other situations I worked hard to survive and survive I did. However, this is so different. I also am older. It makes me wonder if there is actually time to work through the grief. I wonder is I ever do heal, will there still be things for me to do. I have no answer to these questions. I do not think there IS an answer.
Thank you for listening to me, Fred. It helped to at least vent a bit. Talk with you later.
Darlene 10/8.11
Starting a few days before the 28th of September I found depression and inertia were becoming more chronic. Most of the time it didn't feel as intense as it had right after Nick died. It felt deeper, if that is possible. That empty painful cavity inside seems to have been filled now with a complete feeling of dispair. I tell myself this must be another one of those "normals" I have been hearing about. I also tell myself other women and men have suffered even greater losses than I and they have managed to go on and lead productive lives.
I suspect this back slide is due to a few factors. (1) At 6 months I am really really beginning to miss Nick. It really is time he came back. (2) the 28th of each month is difficult for me as it marks another month since he died. (3) This month, October, marks the "beginning of the end" for us. Last October was when he was told in error that he was still cancer free. 4 weeks later he thought he had the flue. 3 weeks after that he thought he had "tweaked" his back shoveling snow. Soon after that a pain developed under his clavicle and he could no long stand up straight. So, this month ushered in a mountain of horrible memories along with the cold snowy weather. I suspect these items have teamed up and I am finding I don't have the energy to fight them.
I started seeing a Grief Counselor and also attending the only local support group I could find. The support group is way toooooo Bible & faith based to really help. However, I am hoping along with the preaching they will also give some helping ideas for us heathens. The Grief Counselor seems very easy to talk with. I felt comfortable with her. However, part of me really questions what she can actually do to help me help myself.
I find I do not cry as often if I remember the not so good times Nick & I had. That is really awful of me & I hate even admitting it. When I think about how much I miss him and love him it could cry forever. All that does is give me red puffy eyes and a stuffy red swollen nose. I am really torn between following the path that helps me function or simply giving in to this ultimate sorrow. Somehow I hope I can find a midway point...... some way to feel good enough to still function but also address the real feelings that I have.
I am not sure what the answer is or where it lies but I certainly hope I find it one of these days. I hate being the Gloom of Doom all of the time. No one likes to hang around that. Not even me.
I have been through some pretty rough times before. I am not a stranger to them. However, I have never had this particular type of pain and true grief before. In other situations I worked hard to survive and survive I did. However, this is so different. I also am older. It makes me wonder if there is actually time to work through the grief. I wonder is I ever do heal, will there still be things for me to do. I have no answer to these questions. I do not think there IS an answer.
Thank you for listening to me, Fred. It helped to at least vent a bit. Talk with you later.
Darlene 10/8.11
Replies
Darlene my f riend. You are doing chapter and verse what so many of us do and have done. That dreded two steps forward, three steps back dance that none of us want to do, and yet often do do.
At six months I wrote a journal entry. It was filled with memories. Some wonderful memories of Greg and I and happier times. some filled with his last fights for life, and letting go at the end. Both were in my minds eye everyday. I wondered if I could ever get past them. I was fighting like hell to get through them. Eventually I did.
You are not in despair. You are healthy, and in deep grief over a loss that has no answers. For myself, there have been no answers to this date. I try to rationalize all that has happened in my mind, and somedays it is ok. somedays I klose that battle.
The trick is to keep fighting that battle. For what it\'s worth, and from what I know of you, my moey is on YOU. you WILL get through this! I have evey faith that you will. You are STRONGER than you know. Six months is one of the hardest times. The times when you miss them the MOST!
My dear f riend everything you have written is VERY NORMAL for a wife who LOVED AND LOVES her husband!
HUGS my friend, and remember anytime you need a friend. I\'m her for you. HUGS Diane
Numbness is a friend. As the first year goes on.......the numbness starts to go away and shocking reality takes place. I am currently still shocked that Bill is not coming back. It hurts deeply like ...................well you know. Nothing to describe the dull ache and stabbing pains. Our husbands suffered awful physical pain and it is now our turn............our pain is emotional.
I attended 3 different GriefShare groups (starting around the 6 months) and during those groups I slowly got to know 2 fellow widows who had much in common with me. We remain close friends. We cry together. We go out to dinner sometimes. I owe this to GriefShare. (By the way, during the meetings, I cried my eyes out, was very honest that I had basically no remaining belief in God. They were really good and understanding and nobody cut me down for it at all). BUT I will tell you that my faith in God is coming back for sure. Give the group a chance and be honest with them.