6 months

I must say, it has gotten better. Lately, I've made some decisions. BIG decisions. They have impacted how I'm grieving. First, off, I must say that I'm not sad anymore. I have moments of missing Mike, but it's not who I am and it's not consuming like it once was. I want to document the change because I think it's very important. One day, I may slip and need a reminder of these life lessons.
I've changed immensely from who I was even before Mike died. I do a better job of taking care of myself. I don't judge myself as harshly, I'm more confident in my daily life and much more forgiving of myself. I laugh a lot more. Life should not be taken seriously....
Here is my path...
I wanted to feel good, so bad for a while. I was so far down in the pit, finding a way out was difficult. Slowly, I started making my way out and then I gained momentum. I have discovered some obstacles to grieving and healing.
One- Not letting the past dictate my today or the future. I've noticed a lot of people (non widows) complaining because of things that have happened in the past. They get very emotional and tend to put the brakes on life. I keep my past where it belongs. In the past. I try to help others realize that their past has no hold on them. They can smile because it is over and done with. I write this because I thought at one time that I was in cancer prison. I thought it would never end. It did. I changed my mindset. I was very angry with God and "life" because of what cancer had taken. I missed out on what joy I had.
Second- Worry, fear and guilt. I've opted to kick these feelings out for good. They get me nowhere and they seem to run together, as a pack. I've noticed that when I focus on other people and loving them, I have no room for these three feelings. I've also noticed that I have a very simple mind and I can not accommodate those feelings and joy. I choose joy. I choose to see God in my life and keep these critters at bay. I make mistakes and it's ok. I haven't made any huge mistakes. Just small ones and once I do, I learn from it and move on. I leave it in the past. These feelings are not exclusive to widows/ ers. Many people disengage due to them. I know which friends are strong enough to walk through life not crippled by them. I rely on these friends to help me.
I'm grateful to be a Christian. I can not imagine trying to do this without God. I believe these changes in me are a direct result of my relationship with Him. He's got me. He carries me and fulfills my life. He gives me purpose. He gives me joy. And He gives me peace.