6 months
yesterday marked 6 months of not cutting. I didn't get to enjoy it or even think about it until after midnight, which is why I'm writing about it today.
I spent 12~ hours trying to complete a program for a class with a teacher who most people avoid. I told myself that I was better than everyone else and took the class because I wanted to prove it to myself. He bested me yesterday, so me and over half the class decided to drop before we get a WP/WF which would effect our GPA.
I know it would have meant something to me to get a good grade in the class, but it would crush me more to get a C. Although it is a defeat, it's smaller than what I would have had to face later. I've been getting really stressed out and thinking about suicide lately. Not in the "I'm really pissed" kind of thought, but a calm understanding that I don't have anything driving me towards a future. I feel like I've lost who I was, my confidence is gone and I want it back. I realize that my years of confidence that followed years of depression is likely just a cycle of mania and depression, and I don't care if it's not healthy to feel unrealistically good about myself, I want to feel like that. I would give anything to be manic for the rest of my life, because I would at least feel in control again even if it's a delusion.
I'm going to use my extra time in place of the class I drop to work on some outside project that could help me get into a decent grad school. I've got several inventions I've prototyped through drawing and ideas, and my brother wants to work on some of them with me.
On another good note, I think my metabolism as finally regulated back from when I was fasting/purging. I've had a few binge days, and my weight has still dropped the next day without me purging or anything. The last time I purged was in july, the last time I fasted was in september (I think) and the last time I restricted was in october. And even when I fasted it was only for a few weeks, before that it had been since april or so.
I spent 12~ hours trying to complete a program for a class with a teacher who most people avoid. I told myself that I was better than everyone else and took the class because I wanted to prove it to myself. He bested me yesterday, so me and over half the class decided to drop before we get a WP/WF which would effect our GPA.
I know it would have meant something to me to get a good grade in the class, but it would crush me more to get a C. Although it is a defeat, it's smaller than what I would have had to face later. I've been getting really stressed out and thinking about suicide lately. Not in the "I'm really pissed" kind of thought, but a calm understanding that I don't have anything driving me towards a future. I feel like I've lost who I was, my confidence is gone and I want it back. I realize that my years of confidence that followed years of depression is likely just a cycle of mania and depression, and I don't care if it's not healthy to feel unrealistically good about myself, I want to feel like that. I would give anything to be manic for the rest of my life, because I would at least feel in control again even if it's a delusion.
I'm going to use my extra time in place of the class I drop to work on some outside project that could help me get into a decent grad school. I've got several inventions I've prototyped through drawing and ideas, and my brother wants to work on some of them with me.
On another good note, I think my metabolism as finally regulated back from when I was fasting/purging. I've had a few binge days, and my weight has still dropped the next day without me purging or anything. The last time I purged was in july, the last time I fasted was in september (I think) and the last time I restricted was in october. And even when I fasted it was only for a few weeks, before that it had been since april or so.
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