6/27/21

I get the feeling that if I didn't stress and worry, I would be alright. Same goes for putting myself down and always assuming the worst. 

I always try to figure out a clear path forward when confronted by yet another problem. When it comes to vague problems like lingering feelings of disconnection, guilt, and demotivation, I've begun to accept there is no clear path forward. Instead there are habits that if I embrace I know I can continue along whatever the path will be. Habits like, not stressing. Having hope. Being positive. Laughing at myself. 

Should I laugh at myself this time? It is kind of funny. I'm going to see my friend for the first time in 9 months tomorrow, and I'm hopelessly behind on everything. My engineering homework I'm two days behind on, it's 12am and I haven't even packed, and I haven't showered in three days! I haven't drawn in several days either and I worry about being behind on my comic and next week's post and art aspirations in general. I've been stressed for several days now and I'm at the point in the "stress process" (i've been through this many times so I just know how it's gonna go) where I just want to calm down and take baby steps to make it better. So it's 12am, I'm potentially going to pull a most-nighter, I'm hanging with a friend all day tomorrow (which will definitely be verh tiring) and I have work and more homework on tuesday. Yikes! 

I'll laugh at myself. Look at Janice again, being behind on things. I practically invented procrastination, then I redefined it. I bring the age-old tradition into modern times, guys, witness this fresh new take! I'll be on the cover of Vogue for my trendy new eyebags look. Then I'll use the money from my new modelling gig to buy myself a vacation and a new laptop. My laptop has a dark bar on the bottom of the screen where the pixels are dead, I basically overworked it to the point of permanently ruining part of the screen. Sounds like a metaphor for my life! Overworking myself, and for what? I didn't shut down my laptop at the end of every day, just like I get five hours of sleep on a good day. What the heck, central operating system? So many metaphorical dead pixels in my life now. Bad habits, disconnection, tired, demotivated, I'm not myself. Is this still humor? I'm not used to sardonic, negative humor that's not used to put myself down. I am poking fun of myself in a lighthearted way, though it's not obvious. 

I have an odd sense of humor

I don't have a witty way to end this journal so I'm just going to get back to my most-nighter. Take care everyone 

I forgot to mention, my mentor invited me for a "bitching session" today over some food. I accepted and we chatted after three years of not seeing each other but keeping touch over social media. It was nice.. though I felt self-conscious. It was nice to hear how he's doing. It made me aware of how disconnected I've felt from other people, and from normal life in general. I've gotten to the point where I feel threatened by other people's accomplishments instead of happy; I put pressure on myself to be "that good." It was hard for me to say it, but I appreciate that he took the time to come out and buy me some food. He told me I should laugh at myself more and gave me assorted other advice. Like, set timers for when I hyperfixate. Do the 54321 excercise for dissociation. Go out more, keep active. Don't switch majors too much like he did. He said we could do this again when I get stressed out. Don't care about my parent's opinions so much. It's weird, he's awkward but in a confident and self-assured way. He laughs at himself and he's dramatic about food. So dramatic. And honest about himself and his problems, including trauma and mental health. It's nice to see. I want to be that open too without being attention seeking, just open.