6/18/19

      I panicked today when after everything had gone so well yesterday things seemed to suddenly go downhill. Yesterday I began having such bad period cramps and lower back pain I couldn’t really sleep, and so I ended up staying up until 4 with a heatpad and a blanket on the sofa with my phone. I had a sort of prolonged anxiety attack then for the same reason- I was scared that the good time wouldn’t last long and I was ruining it by not getting the sleep I needed. Consequently, I was even less able to sleep because of anxiety. 

      Yesterday was very chill and nice. I decided to let the day wind out the way it would- and I let go. Accepted the uncertainty.

       Today I felt more obligated to work after my rest day, and worked myself into a right stress from it. Even if the work is drawing, something I enjoy, the mere fact I consider it “work”makes it completely not fun. In fact, I dread it. My relationship with work is skewed in that way. I see it as something I need to sacrifice myself for and force myself to do. It’s stressful. Today could have been a relaxed day of drawing, but it wasn’t. 

       At least I practiced drawing while in the wrong state of mind... one thing about art is that it’s very personal, which makes it hard to draw at your best skill when you’re just not feeling it or feeling well. Of course, to draw for a living, as an illustrator or a designer, you’d need to draw constantly, at the same quality, regardless of how you feel. I don’t want to quack on my work because of my unpredictable emotions and cause I’m “not feeling it that day”. So I drew. I didn’t like it, but I did. It didn’t come out great, but I’ll work on that. The very last thing came out okay, really. I’ll post a picture after I explain what it was. 

    Basically my art class assignment was to “redesign” a plant, or animal, or bug. In the examples the teacher showed them redesigned as vehicles, weapons, big monsters. I think the idea is to take the concept of the thing and change it to something else physically while still keeping the same feel of the thing. 

    My idea was to resesign a leady seadragon as a land creature. Leafy seadragons are like extremely camoflaged seahorses, with fake seaweed as part of their bodies and seaweek patterns on them. I decided to create a rainforest lizard with the same idea. I kept the face and a few other characteristics of the dragon but added legs (of course). I changed the plants to rainforest flora, and I gave the lizard a tree-bark like camoflaged appearance. The idea is it would be a tree dwelling lizard that blends in and avoids predators because it looks like tree bark and has lichen and plants growing all over it.  Overall, a quite impractical but interesting looking creature. 

     I feel better now that everything is done. Tomorrow I will have to handle this work stuff better. 

     I had a moment earlier where I was suddenly triggered by something my mom said, and everything felt like it hurt. Hypersensitivity and a deep emotional pain in your stomach area. I thought for sure I was alone, and my family had gone back to the way they were before, and I was unwell. 

     I let the moment subside and drew the lizard. After that those feelings subsided. I think to myself that I won’t let her get to me like that. She’s not worth it. 

     The thing is, my mom has been my tentative confidant for a while now. She tries to understand, but I know in her heart somewhere there is distance and uncaring. She doesn’t care what I have to say most of the time, loses interest in me. When she listens I think it is an obligation of hers. She strongly believes in her obligation to me and does listen when she knows I need her to. Also partly because seeing me feel bad makes her feel bad. But her advice is usually things like “ignore it” and “be logical”, and she repeats it over and over. It’s just... I can’t. Things are different than they were in her time. She didn’t do anything to lose my trust for a long time, and she was at least much more understanding than my dad, and yes, I really did want to be able to talk to someone at home about my problems.

      Two days ago, everything went downhill. My emotional breakdown lasted the entire day and was entirely beyond her understanding. At the end of the day she was yelling at me because I was being “illogical”. I’m not dead inside like her. When her sister died of cancer some months ago, she cried like twice and then never did again. Something about their culture is different. Of course she was sad, but she regarded sadness and crying as a weakness. She told me she would not be weak, and she did not cry. 

       In a way, it’s more... productive? Useful? Survival-minded than what I do. Than what my generation does. I’m emotional as fuck. My feelings flow freely. I go off the rails for the smallest things. Other people’s opinions that do not matter. Midnight memories. Pent up emotions dont disappear for me as they seem to do for her. 

       I went off on a something of a tangent, but basically my mom lost my trust again. I’d say she’s the real monster in the house. The hidden one. My dad’s a monster because of outside stimuli. He’s a monster in reaction to her, to bad conditions in our family. But he’s a truthful monster, usually well-meaning, if incredibly impatient, misunderstanding, and downright mean. She’s the one with the monster inside who acts like a mother and protector who’s made our family like this in the first place, attaches us all to her with fear and shame and guilt and... 

       Again, I need distance again, like after Alaska. Beyond that, I don’t know how to deal with them. But I know distance will make everything easier. 

       Family sucks. 

       On Friday we’re leaving for a three week vacation. Three weeks with no one but family. I’m very apprehensive. Some past vacations have been horrific because of being cooped up with them. Hotel rooms, planes, cars. They fight easily during vacations. There is no distance physically, and mental distance is difficult when they’re literally the only people I know for thousands of miles around. 

       Hopefully the fun and freeing parts of it can balance each other out. Alaska was great, but I think part of the reason I was okay that time was because my grandparents were also there, a middle ground for me to rest on in between the madness. I feel like this trip is almost some kind of test. I don’t know how I will cope besides somehow getting myself to not feel isolated. Lots of texting friends, I imagine, but the timezones will be completely off. I will post here, too, to keep some sanity. Maybe if I throw myself into the fun of a vacation I can forget the pain that comes with it.