6/17/12 Journal Entry, plus I'm looking for Video Vault ideas
You've probably noticed by now that I sprinkle videos in -- my occasional Video Vault series -- in with my regular entries. If there's a song you want to see featured on one of those entries, consider this the start of an ongoing opportunity to let me know. Please be aware, though, that I may choose to not necessarily show the official video if I decide it's a little too creepy for the masses (for instance, "Send Me an Angel" by Real Life is one, if I have the choice, I'd rather not show the official video for). If I can't substitute, I'll play the song anyway but with a caution that some of the content may not be suitable for everyone. One request at a time per person, please.
Now to my personal entry for tonight. I actually want to go back to the breakdown I had the middle of last week because the vibe I'm getting is kinda disturbing.
See, usually I'd have my semester breakdowns at a point when I was already behind on one or more courses. This time, it happened when I was still pretty much on top of the summer course in sociology that I'm taking now. I'm really starting to suspect that I brought the whole thing onto myself, feeling that the wheels were going to fall off at some point anyway.
This does kinda scare me...I mean, I've mostly recovered from it now (after a couple of LONG nights' sleeps), but the potential implications are dangerous. It does have me thinking about the time when I was foolishly trying to land a second job in an occupation I didn't want (accounting), and I basically destroyed several of my own interviews with panic episodes the night before, which in turn made me fall asleep on the subway en route and go back and forth a few times (true story; this did happen several times).
I'm not worried about the possibility of memories being brought back this time, I'm worried instead about this...well, feeling that I could, potentially, being an episode like this on virtually on call. It's like...there's this realization that I've had confidence issues for who knows how long, I'm a little too aware of that, and this is how I effectively hide from things that seem to require some sense of confidence (yes, I hide a lot).
Ewwww, that's rough. Doesn't sound very good, either. But this, at least in part, seems to be how it is. (the full story, as always, is more complicated, but it's easier for me to isolate out at this point)
Make of this what you want to...I personally think it's a mindset problem, but I've been so bad at guessing what it could be that Idk what it truly could be.
Now to my personal entry for tonight. I actually want to go back to the breakdown I had the middle of last week because the vibe I'm getting is kinda disturbing.
See, usually I'd have my semester breakdowns at a point when I was already behind on one or more courses. This time, it happened when I was still pretty much on top of the summer course in sociology that I'm taking now. I'm really starting to suspect that I brought the whole thing onto myself, feeling that the wheels were going to fall off at some point anyway.
This does kinda scare me...I mean, I've mostly recovered from it now (after a couple of LONG nights' sleeps), but the potential implications are dangerous. It does have me thinking about the time when I was foolishly trying to land a second job in an occupation I didn't want (accounting), and I basically destroyed several of my own interviews with panic episodes the night before, which in turn made me fall asleep on the subway en route and go back and forth a few times (true story; this did happen several times).
I'm not worried about the possibility of memories being brought back this time, I'm worried instead about this...well, feeling that I could, potentially, being an episode like this on virtually on call. It's like...there's this realization that I've had confidence issues for who knows how long, I'm a little too aware of that, and this is how I effectively hide from things that seem to require some sense of confidence (yes, I hide a lot).
Ewwww, that's rough. Doesn't sound very good, either. But this, at least in part, seems to be how it is. (the full story, as always, is more complicated, but it's easier for me to isolate out at this point)
Make of this what you want to...I personally think it's a mindset problem, but I've been so bad at guessing what it could be that Idk what it truly could be.
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