reflection

I started thinking about my gambling career today. The career that literally I paid to work at, emotionally and financially. I recalled walking into my stomping ground, card room in Oceanside, and telling the manager, and yes they knew me, that I wanted to do a lifetime ban, and they were so supportive. I did it again, in another card room in San Diego, and this time, when I went in, they told me, I had to fill out the form, and provide a "passport" photo. I didn't have one, I did have my drivers license. But, they were more difficult. So, part of me thought, well, I will have to do this another time, since I didn't have a passport photo. Then, I called someone who said, leave the card room, find a CVS, take a passport photo, and go back and do it, I shrugged at that, it was such hard work and such a pain in the ass for me, I thought, no... I want to go home and sleep and cry and sleep and cry. I took the direction of the persons who gave me the advise, I found a CVS a few miles from the card room, I walked in, took the photo and drove back to the card room and presented it to the manager. Who, by the way was shocked I actually came back to do the lifetime ban. I sat, I waited for the forms to be completed, and watched the gamblers in action from my seat. Once done, I was escorted out, and I walked to my car in the sunshine, empowered. This happened awhile back ago. I was told, which I didn't know, that card rooms are different from casinos. Card rooms, once you do the form, right, they send it to the state gaming and then I am literally registered, in all card rooms, throughout California. Casinos are different, so when I went to ban myself from Harrah's, they banned me for life in all Harrah's, including Vegas, etc. Then I had to go to the other stomping ground casinos in San Diego. Each visit got easier, each ban got easier for me to do, more liberating for me to do. Could I walk into a casino, even though I'm banned for life? Maybe, but the games I played where high limit, which required a card for the casino I was playing at, and if I try to get a card for that casino, they will see I'm banned. They would either escort me out, or, have me arrested. Of course, I could go and play the not high limit games, that also went through my head. I've heard others say, the ban didn't work, they were able to go to a casino and gamble still. But, here is the deal, I want my recovery, so I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop, maybe, I could walk into a casino, maybe, but, I did the work to help prevent my addiction from telling me its okay. My mind tells me, trust me, many times during my recovery, I could go, just for a bit. It does, I won't lie, it sure does. But, if I have enough obstacles in my way, from being able to go and place a bet, its a plus for me. Do I think I can go and gamble now? YES, of course, that's my addiction. Do I want to go and place a bet? NO I don't. So, its the struggle, its called recovery, its what I will do, most likely for the rest of my natural life. Today, I woke up, I did some work, I cleaned my house, I watched the political crap on the news, and I shock my head. Do I think I can gamble responsibly...? LOL, of course I do, that's my addiction talking. Do I want to live a life full of love, and respect, and hope, YES, I do. When I was gambling, hope didn't exist. When I was gambling, sunny days were dark, moments of happiness, fleeting. Today, I have not placed a bet. Its a good day. xoxoxo do the day my sweet recovering warriors. Do the day.