Day 13
Each day I seem to be thinking about gambling a bit more, not quite obsessing, but close. Finding this site has helped me see that other people go through exactly what I go through, this combined with GA meetings, I have a head full of recovery. Today, I will concentrate on my work, and today I will not place a bet, I'm grateful for all I have, financially, in debt, but emotionally, I'm available, which is a lot different than where I was 13 days ago. xoxoxox
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Love, love, love reading all the posts. ALL of them. I was thinking on my way to work today, when I placed a bet, I started at the tiny tables, which progressively grew into the \"high stakes\" tables. I would have different colored chips in front of me, depending the the amount of the table bet, and it was always so easy for me to throw in the chips when playing / placing a bet, either against the dealer or the players. I remember several times, looking at a stack someone would have, and counting in my head how much $ they had in front of them, and thinking \"okay, I just need to build my stack up that much, to win my money back.\" I did leave with money, many times, but the amount I have lost over the last 10 years is much, much more than the winnings. Its the big winnings, and the fact that I thought I was so \"good at poker\" that kept me going back, but towards the end, I felt like I drank too much wine, I ate too much cake, I smoked to much, and felt grossed out about taking another drink of the wine, eating another bit of the cake, or taking another drag of the smoke. I would have a few hundred in front of me, and get so frustrated, that I would take the chip stack, (small for a few hundred) and push all in, reckless, even during my addiction. They were not just different colored chips, it was about power, control, and the need to overdose on my addiction. I think I overdosed. I remember going to sleep the last time I went out, and my chest hurt, cramping in my chest, and I closed my eyes, hugged my dog, and thought, God, if I die.,,,, I die. I had physically exhausted my body, my mind, my soul. Today, I see, they were not just CHIPS, I don\'t want to die, and if I choose to go and place a bet, that one bet can push me past just an overdose, it can push me past being able to survive, to live a happy, full life. Today, I will not place a bet. xoxoxox