Catch-22.
Just figured I would write my first journal entry now while I'm in a less depressed period. I don't think I'll be able to cover everything I want to in one entry though.
Anyways, I find myself in a catch-22 (for those unfamiliar with the term it basically means you're in scenario where you are screwed regardless of what you do) situation with my depression. I realize that I need serious professional help, but unfortunately I am in a situation where I cannot get help (beyond anonymous online support groups like this one) without making my situation exponentially worse and possibly putting the lives of at least one other person at risk. It's hard for me to write this because of both the emotional and the physiological pain it causes me to think about it.
I'm an introvert currently suffering from major depression, ptsd and anxiety problems caused by these. I also have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style that borders on the disorder level.
When I was growing up my mother was frequently inconsistent in how she treated me and acted. Sometimes she was very warm and supportive, but at seemingly random times she would abruptly change and become the opposite. As a result she was often very emotionally abusive and I found it difficult to tell whether or not doing something (even things she had instructed me to do earlier) would be good enough for her or set her off.
She always refused to acknowledge that she did this when confronted about it by my dad or I. My dad was often at work and I typically saw him on weekends and for a few hours in the evening during the week, so I generally had to rely on my mom for any support.
As if the emotional abuse at home wasn't bad enough I started to get abused/bullied by girls starting in elementary school due to being an introvert. When they looked at me it was always as though they saw me as a creep or horrible person for simply existing. Eventually what few friends I had back then started to notice girls and I ended up all on my own since if I tried to hang around or talk to them I would get some downright hateful looks from the girls who liked them. This was in stark contrast to how other boys and adults looked at and treated me.
Due to how virtually all the girls I encountered treated me and the abuse at home I ended up falling into a mentality that there was just something inherently horribly wrong with me that girls/women all found utterly offensive and off-putting, and so I would try to avoid interacting with them unless they initiated the conversation. Not too surprisingly they would typically only do this if they needed something from me (I was a bit of a smart nerdy kid, and when the school tested me high school they revealed to me that my I.Q. was only a couple points shy of "genius"). When they needed my help they would act sweet and friendly, but as soon as they got what they needed it was right back to looking at me like I had the plague and/or they hated my guts. In high school some girls would outright refuse to do assignments if it meant being near me though.
Again this was confusing to me since adults/teachers and other guys would look at me like I was any other regular person and teachers would periodically praise me.
I'll share more in later entries.
Anyways, I find myself in a catch-22 (for those unfamiliar with the term it basically means you're in scenario where you are screwed regardless of what you do) situation with my depression. I realize that I need serious professional help, but unfortunately I am in a situation where I cannot get help (beyond anonymous online support groups like this one) without making my situation exponentially worse and possibly putting the lives of at least one other person at risk. It's hard for me to write this because of both the emotional and the physiological pain it causes me to think about it.
I'm an introvert currently suffering from major depression, ptsd and anxiety problems caused by these. I also have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style that borders on the disorder level.
When I was growing up my mother was frequently inconsistent in how she treated me and acted. Sometimes she was very warm and supportive, but at seemingly random times she would abruptly change and become the opposite. As a result she was often very emotionally abusive and I found it difficult to tell whether or not doing something (even things she had instructed me to do earlier) would be good enough for her or set her off.
She always refused to acknowledge that she did this when confronted about it by my dad or I. My dad was often at work and I typically saw him on weekends and for a few hours in the evening during the week, so I generally had to rely on my mom for any support.
As if the emotional abuse at home wasn't bad enough I started to get abused/bullied by girls starting in elementary school due to being an introvert. When they looked at me it was always as though they saw me as a creep or horrible person for simply existing. Eventually what few friends I had back then started to notice girls and I ended up all on my own since if I tried to hang around or talk to them I would get some downright hateful looks from the girls who liked them. This was in stark contrast to how other boys and adults looked at and treated me.
Due to how virtually all the girls I encountered treated me and the abuse at home I ended up falling into a mentality that there was just something inherently horribly wrong with me that girls/women all found utterly offensive and off-putting, and so I would try to avoid interacting with them unless they initiated the conversation. Not too surprisingly they would typically only do this if they needed something from me (I was a bit of a smart nerdy kid, and when the school tested me high school they revealed to me that my I.Q. was only a couple points shy of "genius"). When they needed my help they would act sweet and friendly, but as soon as they got what they needed it was right back to looking at me like I had the plague and/or they hated my guts. In high school some girls would outright refuse to do assignments if it meant being near me though.
Again this was confusing to me since adults/teachers and other guys would look at me like I was any other regular person and teachers would periodically praise me.
I'll share more in later entries.
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